What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
EAVESDROPPERS GET AN EARFUL FROM THEIR IRRITATED VICTIMS
DEAR ABBY: In response to "Conversationally Speaking," a reader who complained about being eavesdropped upon in restaurants, you suggested that the couple engage in some "wild dialogue" for entertainment purposes, such as "how to spend their drug money" or which girl you planned to send on the next "call."
As a police officer who has had to waste significant time and resources following up on such reports of "suspicious behavior," I'm surprised you would encourage such an irresponsible action. Our nation's homeland security is of paramount importance these days, and our governing leaders have requested help from the public in "remaining vigilant" and reporting suspicious behavior to the proper authorities. Fifty lashes with a wet noodle to you for failing to consider the consequences of your ill-advised recommendation. What were you thinking? -- DAN HOFFMAN, DEPUTY CHIEF, FAIRBANKS (ALASKA) POLICE DEPT.
DEAR DEPUTY CHIEF HOFFMAN: I was thinking about having some fun, not about homeland security. In the light of the sober times we live in, however, I probably should have played it straighter. On a lighter note, quite a few readers wrote to describe how they have handled the situation. Read on for a sample:
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have a suggestion. Talk about "Aunt Tilly's" recent operation with details so graphic that only the strongest stomach could hold its contents. Or, perhaps, mention "Cousin Mandy's" little boy throwing up all over the wedding cake at someone's reception. -- MARGARET IN SWOOPE, VA.
DEAR MARGARET: That could, indeed, work. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I had the same experience. Since everyone at my table was in the medical field, I began describing an extremely grisly autopsy I had been involved in. Within five minutes, the couple at the nearby table had paid their bill and left their food. While they may have not been "cured" of listening, they certainly got their "dose" of reality. -- STEPHEN IN THE WOODLANDS, TEXAS
DEAR STEPHEN; Your eavesdroppers must not have been fans of the currently popular TV crime series and their spin-offs.
DEAR ABBY: Some friends and I were eating in a restaurant that featured a large atrium and all kinds of plants hanging from the rafters. When we realized we were being listened to, my friend's wife started telling everyone at the table how -- in order to control the bug population in the plants -- they had hundreds of lizards living in the foliage. "Nosy Rosy" went screaming from the restaurant with her coat pulled over her head. I guess she was afraid of lizards. -- JOHN IN WELLINGTON, OHIO
DEAR JOHN: Leapin' lizards -- your friend was creative.
DEAR ABBY: Here's my technique. I lean over to the rude eavesdroppers and smile. Then I invite them to scoot their chairs a little closer, so they can hear our conversation more easily. It usually embarrasses them into stopping. -- MARTHA IN DALHART, TEXAS
DEAR MARTHA: Not everyone is as straightforward as you.
DEAR ABBY: Some people need to be reminded about good manners. When I'm in that situation I confront them and ask, "Are we talking too loud? If not, how about giving us some privacy?" and continuing eye contact until they stop. -- AIDA IN RAPID CITY, S.D.
DEAR AIDA: Interesting you should mention it, because several people suggested that the volume of the conversation might have been the problem to begin with.
DEAR ABBY: My sister, "Pamela," constantly steals things that belong to me. It can be anything from underwear to jewelry. When I catch her wearing whatever she "borrowed," the belongings go missing. Pamela then claims that she returned them. I have to beg, cry, and finally search her room and car to find them. Most of the time they'll be ruined.
This is causing a great strain on my life and our relationship. It has reached the point that I have told my sister I no longer want anything to do with her because she's deceitful, hurtful and selfish. I honestly think she has some sort of OCD or does it for the thrill.
Oh, we are not teenagers. I am 26 and Pamela is 24. We are both adults with master's degrees and full-time jobs. -- FED UP IN QUEBEC
DEAR FED UP: Excuse me, but how is Pamela able to take possession of your property? If you're living under the same roof, have a deadbolt lock installed on your bedroom door and use it while you're out. If not, have your dwelling re-keyed. Your sister cannot steal and destroy that to which she doesn't have access.
DEAR ABBY: I grew up with a friend I'll call "Muffy." Muffy was raised in a rich, sheltered environment. Her mother did everything for her. She never taught her daughter how to wash dishes, do laundry, clean house, etc. I, too, waited on Muffy. As a child, I thought I was supposed to take care of her.
Muffy is now an adult, a recluse with few friends. She still lives with her mother, even though she has a job and could move out on her own. Muffy is a nice woman. My problem is that her mother expected us to be best friends throughout our lives. She and Muffy can't seem to understand that I have a husband, a son, and other responsibilities that include work.
My mother and Muffy's mother are best friends, and Mom often comments to me that I should remain friends with Muffy. It seems Muffy's mother won't let the subject drop.
I think they both need to get on with their lives and Muffy should be free to make new friends. In the end, she is the one who has been hurt by not learning how to live independently and take care of herself. She should not be a prisoner of her childhood. -- INDEPENDENT IN KANSAS
DEAR INDEPENDENT: I get the feeling that you somehow resent your childhood friend, and that's sad. Not only did Muffy's mother encourage her daughter's physical dependence, it appears she nurtured her daughter's emotional dependence as well.
I agree that Muffy "should" learn to live independently, and "should" be free to make new friends. However, at this point in her life she may not have the tools to do either. It would be a kindness to encourage her to get professional help so she can figure out where her mother ends and she begins. Only then will your childhood friend be able to truly get on with her life.
DEAR ABBY: What do you think of men in kilts? I want to buy and try one. My wife is undecided, but trusts your judgment. Your thoughts, please? -- GRANDSON OF SCOTLAND
DEAR GRANDSON: As a person of proud Scottish descent, you are entitled to wear a kilt if you wish, but please refrain from doing high kicks on the dance floor.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Woman Is Worn Down and Out Caring for Husband and Mom
DEAR ABBY: My mother is 80 and still lives by herself. She has had three strokes in the last two years, and her memory is very bad. She is also very stubborn and belligerent. She really belongs in an assisted-living facility; however, she refuses to go to one. She says she'll kill herself first.
I manage Mama's finances. I also make her doctor's appointments, transport her there, take her to the pharmacy, the grocery store, etc. I do all Mama's driving because she can't leave the block she lives on without getting lost.
Mother depends on me for everything, and she hates my husband of 18 years, who treats us both like gold. She would never admit it, but she hates him because he's physically disabled and it keeps me from giving her all my time and attention.
Mama tries to make me feel guilty by acting like she's completely helpless. There are a lot of things she could do for herself, but she refuses. I'm always stressed out over her, on top of the load I'm carrying with my husband and daughter. Have you any suggestions? -- STRESSED TO THE MAX IN TULSA
DEAR STRESSED: You are a conscientious, dutiful daughter. However, people can spread themselves only so thin without it beginning to affect their health.
If your mother's reasoning had not been already affected by strokes and dementia, she would realize that fact. The time has come to call her doctor and discuss what alternatives might be available in caring for her. Assisted living would be ideal, but only if she could adjust to it. If it would be too traumatic, perhaps a part-time caregiver could be hired through senior services in your community.
DEAR ABBY: I was in a serious car accident back in 1986 and have been living with the facial scars ever since. I hate the way I look and would like to see if a doctor can improve my appearance. The problem is, my husband doesn't want me to talk to a doctor.
Yes, I had the scars when I met my husband 15 years ago. I have lived with the deformities for a very long time. But not a day goes by that I don't think about how I could look if I had surgery to improve my appearance.
I don't know if my insurance would cover the costs of surgery, but when it comes to my husband "needing" a boat, Jeep or snowmobile –- or whatever suits his fancy at the time -- money is never a problem.
I have money from the car accident, and if there were any costs for the surgery, it wouldn't have to come out of my husband's paycheck. I cannot express to you how bad I feel about myself, but my husband does know. Do you think I should see a doctor to find out if surgery is an option for me, or should I just accept the way I am and not think about improving my appearance? -- SCARRED AND CONFUSED IN PHILADELPHIA
DEAR SCARRED: By all means consult a plastic surgeon. You deserve to be the best that you can be. However, when you do, please understand that it could change the dynamics of your relationship with your husband. It appears that he has a vested interest in keeping you just as you are, and the reason may be that he is afraid he will lose you if you look different. Some sessions with a marriage counselor might put his fears to rest. Much depends upon his own level of self-esteem.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)