For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are very happy. However, his mother is an intrusive pest. I am a stay-at-home mom, and she calls all day long. When I answer, I get an earful about how often her son calls or doesn't call her, or she finds fault with the things I do with my children. If I don't answer, she comes over to our house.
The other day, she knew that I was going to my mom's office to drop some stuff off and help her with some things. When I arrived, there was my husband's mother, sitting there waiting for me. Also, when my husband confides in her –- like when I got pregnant –- she takes it upon herself to call my family and announce it instead of allowing me to tell them myself.
I love my husband. We are happy together. But I have reached the point where I'm beginning to consider divorce in order to get away from his mother. He has offered to speak to her, but I feel bad because I know she'll know I asked him to say something. What should I do? -- TEARING MY HAIR OUT
DEAR TEARING: You have described a lonely, needy person with too much time on her hands. Rather than expecting you to entertain her, she needs to get a life of her own. Your husband should talk to his mother and encourage her to find other interests. If she blames you, so be it. However, he would be doing her a favor to help her investigate what activities and opportunities are available for seniors in your community in case she's so passive she doesn't know how to reach out.
DEAR ABBY: My companion and lover, "Jimmy," stole $40 from some close friends of mine. He was caught, confronted, and paid the money back. I told Jimmy if anything like that ever happened again, he was out the door.
I am willing to forget the incident and move on; however, my two friends feel differently. It has created a wedge between us. They continue to talk to me on the phone at work, but Jimmy's name is never mentioned. Yesterday, when I casually mentioned the four of us getting together, I was informed that it would never happen. I did nothing wrong, but I am feeling ostracized. Any suggestions? -- IN THE MIDDLE IN COLUMBIA, S.C.
DEAR IN THE MIDDLE: You are not being ostracized, Jimmy is –- and for good reason. He has sticky fingers. Allow me to offer two suggestions: If he'd steal from your friends, he would also steal from you, so keep your valuables under lock and key. And socialize with your friends without him.
DEAR ABBY: At my school, a period of time is dedicated to discussing world events. My teacher, "Mrs. Jones," has often shared her opinions about world events and our government with us. She has very strong opinions and usually gets upset when anyone disagrees with her. One day when she was talking, I told her I did not agree with her opinion and got detention for it. Personally, I don't think I deserved one.
I understand that I shouldn't be rude to teachers, but I believe that my comment was respectful. Was I out of line? -- UNCERTAIN IN FRANKLIN LAKES, N.J.
DEAR UNCERTAIN: If the comment was disruptive, it may have been. It would have been more diplomatic had you voiced your disagreement after the class was over.
Mother Won't Act to Stop Girl's Online Exploitation
DEAR ABBY: My brother recently discovered that his 16-year-old stepdaughter has been chatting online with a man in another state, up to and including phone sex. He went into her e-mail without her permission to see what was going on after she ran up a $300 phone bill.
When he confronted her about the bill, she lied and said she had been talking to a girlfriend. Her mother -- my brother's wife -- thinks her daughter would never do anything wrong and gets mad at my brother if he implies otherwise. He doesn't want to do anything about the situation for fear of her wrath.
I say, the girl's safety is more important than a fight with his wife. Do you know if there's a task force that he could e-mail this information to and remain anonymous? I would like to see that man caught before something horrible happens to this beautiful young girl. -- PROTECTIVE IN COLORADO
DEAR PROTECTIVE: The girl has been victimized by a predator. Your brother's wife is doing her daughter no good by behaving like an ostrich and pretending this incident never happened.
There are several things your brother can do. He should contact his local FBI office and/or visit the Web site � HYPERLINK "http://www.fbi.gov" ��www.fbi.gov� and check out the area devoted to cyber crimes -- specifically crimes against children under "What We Investigate." If he is referred to his local police department, he should contact them immediately so they can investigate further. The National Center for Missing and Exploited Children also has an informative Web site, � HYPERLINK "http://www.missingkids.com" ��www.missingkids.com�, which provides information regarding exploited children and an opportunity to report it.
DEAR ABBY: I am a single woman, and while I have kissed a lot of men, only a few were great kissers. You don't want to give up on a great guy because his kiss is only average. I gently tried to provide a bit of coaching with an ex, but it made him defensive.
How do you teach a middle-aged man to kiss? Before I get into another relationship, a little advice in this area would be helpful. Also, would you approach it early on -- or after there is an established relationship? -- WANTS A GREAT KISSER
DEAR WANTS: Since different people are turned on by different things, no one should expect to get it right on the first try. A considerate kisser wants to please.
The best way I know of to "teach" a middle-aged man to kiss -- or a young one or an old one, for that matter -- is to demonstrate, demonstrate. Practice makes perfect, and the time to approach it is soon after he makes his next attempt.
DEAR ABBY: I'm recently divorced after a four-year separation from my husband. My ex treats me like dirt and cannot speak to me without becoming angry and abusive.
I wasn't the cause of the breakup. He cheated on me. I offered to rebuild the trust and work it out, but he refused. I just want to know why he is angry. I have tried to ask him why he gets so defensive. He is living with the woman he cheated with. Why does he carry so much anger toward me? He is supposedly happy with her. -- PUZZLED AND HURT IN KENTUCKY
DEAR HURT: He would rather aim his anger at you than face himself. He knows what he did was wrong, and it's easier for him to blame you than take responsibility and accept himself as a cheater. It's called blaming the victim.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Daughter With Her Hand Out Gets It Slapped by Readers
DEAR ABBY: Thank you for printing the letter from "Confused in California," whose daughter, "Victoria," and her boyfriend, "Albert," expect her to pay for the daughter's rent and expenses while she lives with him.
I had a delightful morning imagining what would happen if one of my daughters suggested I should pay her boyfriend for her room and board –- two years retroactive, no less! I fell on the floor laughing and hooting! -- NO CONFUSION HERE IN CANADA
DEAR NO CONFUSION: You're not the only person who was appalled at the suggestion. The chorus was unanimous. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: Surely two years of sexual favors should be worth at least $8,000 on the open market -– to say nothing of the going rates for two years of cooking, cleaning, laundry, shopping, etc. "Confused in California" should be submitting an even larger bill to "Albert" for everything he has received from "Victoria" during the past two years. -- REALISTIC IN EUGENE, ORE.
DEAR REALISTIC: What a clever idea. It hadn't occurred to me to advise the mother to reverse the charges.
DEAR ABBY: I suspect that "Albert" is getting ready to dump "Victoria." When he was in love with her, he provided for her. Now he wants to be paid for the past "burden" because he's not in love with her anymore. I'd put money on odds that he's looking for a wife outside that relationship. -- ANNIE IN PASCO, WASH.
DEAR ANNIE: You could be right. Or perhaps the two lovers consider her mother to be an easy touch.
DEAR ABBY: My mother and I had an agreement when I turned 18. Even though I was legally an adult, as long as I lived on her dime, I would abide by her rules.
From the time I was 18 to the time I was 20, I paid my parents rent -- even though I was a full-time student. When I moved into my own apartment, I paid the bills. I was made aware that if you believe you're adult enough to make decisions your parents don't agree with, you had better be adult enough to pay your own way. Being a parent means that you love your child unconditionally. It does not mean that you have to open your checkbook unconditionally, too.
As a now 30-year-old woman, I am thankful my mother taught me that if you want to live life your own way, you can't do it from someone else's pocket. She and I have a relationship that most of my friends envy. She treats me as an adult and respects my decisions, even when she doesn't necessarily agree, because I don't ask her to pay for them. She tells me often that she's proud of me for being adult enough to take responsibility for my own life, and for my decisions. I'm proud of her for teaching me to do that.
I'm glad you told "Confused" to stick with her convictions. The sooner her daughter and her daughter's "fiance" understand that it is not Mom's job to support a lifestyle she doesn't approve of, the sooner both of them may grow up and start behaving like the adults they purport themselves to be. -- GRATEFUL DAUGHTER IN INDIANA
DEAR GRATEFUL DAUGHTER: I agree with you that "Victoria" and "Albert" have a lot of growing up to do. And it's not her mother's job to pay their tuition in the school of experience.
Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)
to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)