What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Winning the Car Whining War May Make Child Lose His Life
DEAR ABBY: I am deeply disturbed by something I see every day on the streets and roads.
Last week I was driving behind a couple in a sports vehicle. A boy who could not have been more than 3 years old was with them, standing in the back seat with his head halfway out the window.
I am a mother and know what it's like to have your child cry and tell you that you're mean because you want the child strapped in a car seat. But believe me, I would much rather hear my child cry and be upset for a few minutes than to lie awake at night asking God to forgive me for causing his death by giving in because he didn't want to be strapped in.
I don't understand how a parent can be so careless, but I see it all the time. I'm not sure what to do about it. Should I try to catch up to them and tell them how dangerous it is? Or should I call the police on my car phone?
I would like to tell every parent in the world to tell the child who is resisting being buckled in, "No, you cannot ride without being buckled in -- I love you too much to endanger you!"
Abby, please print my letter. I can't bear the thought of another little life being lost because someone failed to safeguard a child in his or her car. -- SHANNON M. BARRETT, AURORA, COLO.
DEAR SHANNON: I'm printing your letter in its entirety, Leaving a small child unsecured in a car, regardless of how well-meaning the adult's motives might be, is child endangerment. It takes only a second for tragedy to happen. So, for the sake of your little ones, please, readers, take Shannon's letter to heart. And while you're at it, buckle up your own seat belt. It sets a good example.
DEAR ABBY: I couldn't pass up the chance to respond to "Sadder and Wiser Now," who learned the hard way that it's best to keep quiet about a loved one's drug addiction rather than face being "roasted" by unbelieving parents.
I was one of those parents who denied any drug or alcohol involvement in dealing with my son's abusive and unpredictable behavior. I also had the misconception that drug and alcohol use are a part of "growing up" and that it is only a phase.
Reality hit unexpectedly. My son woke me in the middle of the night begging for help because he was "sick." I found him in a bloody heap looking like 150 pounds of raw hamburger, due to self-inflicted wounds while on a dose of rock cocaine a "friend" had given him. It is a nightmare that will always be a part of me. I almost lost my son, and it could have been me or my daughter he sliced up. My son remembers nothing about the whole ordeal.
Out of this nightmare came the need to educate myself, to understand what had happened to make my son do such a thing to himself. Sharing my pain with other parents who are also at a loss as to what to do with a drug- or alcohol-dependent loved one has helped me cope with the senselessness of what happened. Finding Al-Anon, a 12-step program, helped me to recognize that I couldn't help my son unless he was willing to help himself.
Our children are never too young to start drug and alcohol education, and we as adults are never too old to change our way of thinking. Our future is at stake.
My son has paid dearly for his adolescent mistakes, but God does answer prayers. He is now a married, hardworking father of two. -- NELLIE PHIPPS, FILLMORE, CALIF.
DEAR NELLIE PHIPPS: Your experience was harrowing, and it's fortunate that it wasn't more serious -- which it easily could have been. Your conclusion is one that I have always emphasized: the importance of opening the lines of communication with children very early, and encouraging honesty and openness, with no topics off-limits.
DEAR ABBY: I have two children of my own, but some days I feel as though I have 10 or 12. There are many children in the neighborhood where I live. The following is some information for my neighbors. I call it the Common Rules of Parental Etiquette:
1. I am not the neighborhood baby sitter. Sending your children to my house for several hours does not absolve you of the responsibility of checking on your children on a regular basis.
2. Please do not allow your children to pick the flowers I took the time and money to plant. If your children come home with flowers plucked from someone else's garden, explain to them the dishonesty of their act, even though it seems like a sweet thing for them to have done. And, by the way, since I'm the only one with certain varieties of flowers in my garden, pleading ignorance as to where they came from won't work. Also, breaking down my bushes and plants with balls and bats is not acceptable.
3. Foisting your children off on me for several hours and then, later the same day, refusing to allow my child into your home to play because "my child already has a friend over" doesn't work for me. It also sets the wrong example for your child. The message it gives is: "You can use anyone you want and not give anything in return."
4. Memorial Day, Labor Day and Fourth of July mean picnics and parties for family and friends. If I'm having a party and your child wasn't invited, please keep him home! Last year, I spent the Fourth with three stray children who were eating food and drinking beverages my friends brought for OUR picnic.
5. If your child asks to eat at my home or go somewhere with me, please have the courtesy to check with me to be sure an invitation was extended. Yes, I heard your child yell across the street and ask if it was OK to eat at my house. And yes, I heard you say it was OK. However, I didn't hear you ask me if I had invited her. Well, guess what? I didn't. My child didn't either. So your child was sent home.
6. In my home, no one, child or adult, gets anything without a "please" and "thank you." That is, of course, common courtesy, but it doesn't seem to be an important lesson in some homes.
7. Your children are welcome to play in my yard if everyone gets along, if there is no bad language or name-calling, and if you take a turn having them play in YOUR yard. I have no grass in my yard now due to baseball games, and my flowerbeds are destroyed. And every child playing at my home has an excuse why they can't play at their own house.
8. Oh, yes -- don't forget those slightly older children. Parents, how about keeping an eye on them to make sure they aren't bullying the younger kids? Guess what, they are! They push them down, hit them, call them names and, by the way, their language is disgusting. So don't get angry and call me when your child is sent home. You'll get an earful you might not like.
Please don't get me wrong, Abby. I like children. I want my children to have friends over and enjoy themselves. And we have some wonderful neighbors for whom we'd do almost anything. I am, however, appalled at the lack of respect on the part of so many parents and children in our neighborhood.
Sorry this is so long, but I needed to address this issue since others have relayed the same kind of stories to me.
Oh, and by the way -- dog owners, just because I have a dog doesn't mean it's OK if yours soils my yard. But that's another letter ... NOT EVERYONE'S MOM IN HARRISBURG, PA.
DEAR NOT EVERYONE'S MOM: I have printed your letter in its entirety. It should be bronzed and placed on front doors in more neighborhoods that I can count, because the problems you have addressed have been voiced by countless parents. You are right on the money.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: The letter from "All Chopped Up and No Place to Go" could have been written by me about 10 years ago. I had found a particular hairstyle that I loved, but then my hairdresser quit. For months I searched three towns to find someone who could replace her. Along the way I leaned some important things about hairdressers:
Always choose a hairdresser who has a hairstyle similar to yours. If you want short hair, chose someone with short hair. A hairdresser with long hair will never cut yours short enough. Likewise, never have your hair colored by a red-headed hairdresser, because she will always want to add a little red tint; and never get a perm from someone whose own hair is too curly.
Or you can do what I did -- give up on hairdressers completely. I grew my hair down to my waist. When you have long hair, you can't fuss over it too much, so I sold my hair dryer, curling iron, hot rollers and crimper. I no longer buy mousse, styling gel or hairspray. My husband trims it with a pair of sewing scissors when it gets ragged. I don't color or perm it, and I'm constantly told how beautiful my hair is.
Occasionally, on a really hot day, I consider cutting it. Then I remember the twice-monthly trips to the hairdresser, the roar of the blow dryer every morning, or the way a windy day could ruin my hairstyle (and my day). I just pull my ponytail higher on my head and use the time I would otherwise spend on my hair to do something I enjoy. -- JUST BRUSH IT AND GO
DEAR JUST BRUSH IT: I'm glad your advice works for you. Many of us who are slaves to fashion can't help but admire your sense of independence and freedom. However, it's wrong to generalize about all hairdressers because of your negative experience. If what you say were true, one could not explain the success of hairdressers such as Mr. Kenneth, Vidal Sassoon, Jose Eber, etc. According to your logic, all of their clients would resemble them!
DEAR ABBY: Something must be wrong with me. My problem is that I like many of the things your readers write to complain about.
For example, airline food -- every time I have flown, the meals have been delicious.
And fruitcake -- I wish they made it year-round.
Or paintings on velvet -- the two that my son has in his room depicting outer space are beautiful.
Or Spam -- it's so versatile! And lava lamps; I wish I had one.
I also love Christmas newsletters. My friends love mine, and I love theirs.
Maybe it's because I grew up in the '30s, when we had so little. I used to put cardboard in my shoes when the soles wore through, and I even made my own drink-and-wet doll. I guess my childhood during the Depression helped to make me a more appreciative person. -- ELAINE MACH, CHICAGO HEIGHTS, ILL.
DEAR ELAINE: I'm sure the makers of lava lamps and Spam are delighted with your preferences. As the Latin proverb reminds us, "De gustibus non disputandum." (There is no accounting for tastes.)
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)