The Village Idiot

Fun for the Whole Family

These flat escalators at the airport are my favorite thing to play on. My sister Chardonnay and me like to run in the wrong direction on them while big people try to get around us. It's like a Disney ride, but you don't have to wait in line. A lot of times grown-ups don't even know it's a ride. Sometimes they don't even get on the escalators and walk in the boring old aisles, even though they can see us having lots of fun on them. Other times they say things like, "This is not a playground, you could get hurt. Where are your parents?"

Clean your glasses, mister. They're standing right over there. Dad's on his computer. Mom's on her phone. Hey, you want to run up the down escalator with me? Never mind, watch this. I can hang on this black, rubbery moving thing and then let it drag me along with it down the flat escalator.

No, you can't do it, Chardonnay. I just invented it and it's mine. Mom. Mom! MOM! MMMOMMM! Chard won't stop it!

I got brand-new wheelie shoes. They're like sneakers and roller skates all-in-one. Watch this. Watch, Mom, watch! Mom. Mom! MOM! MMMOMMM!

Too late. They never seem to be watching when I do the coolest stuff, like skate in and out of that line of people over there. It's like I'm invisible. Want to see me ram this shopping cart-thingy into a window real hard? Watch!

Wow! Did you see that! The whole window shook. Did you see that old lady jump? Did you see everybody watching me? Except Mom and Dad. They miss all the good stuff.

Mom! Watch me! MOM! MMMOMMMM! Look!

Why do we have to visit stupid old grandma anyway? She doesn't let me touch anything in her stupid old house, and it's just a bunch of stupid old stuff anyway. So what if her stupid old glass vase breaks. She acts likes it's such a big deal. And who's Tiffany? Just buy her another one.

C'mon, let's play on the elevators. I can push all the buttons at once. Watch me hold the door open. See! It's trying to close, but I put the shopping cart-thingy in it. Bang, bang, bang. Hey, don't do that, mister! I was playing with it first.


This is soooo boring. Mom. Mom! MOM! Get me another soda. I put this one down on the seat and it fell over. And I had only taken one sip. Now it's gone. Let's sit somewhere else. This is all messy!

I don't WANT to play with Chardonnay! NO, NO, NO! THIS IS MY INDOOR VOICE! MMMOMMM!

I don't have to go to the bathroom. I'm fine. I'm telling you, it's OK. Yes, I'm positive.

Watch this, Chardonnay. When I push this door open, all those bells start ringing. You try it. See? What'd I tell you? Have you ever heard anything that loud? Why is everybody running?

Mom. Mom! MOM! MMMOMMM! That man yanked my hand! It hurts!

I don't care that we have to get on the plane right now. I have to go to the bathroom RIGHT NOW! Do you know what I mean?

Look at this, I can make all the sinks turn on at once. See that? Dad? Dad! DAD! DDDADDD!

What do you mean they wouldn't hold the plane for us? They just left? Can't we sue them, Dad? Can't we? Can't we? Like we sued that stupid old bus driver for yelling at me? Did we get an upgrade to first class on the next flight? Good. Just like last time, huh, Dad? And they're giving us a free hotel room?

Are they, Dad? Dad! DAD! DDDADDD!

(Contact Jim Mullen at

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