DEAR HARRIETTE: A good friend of mine just lost her son on Valentine’s Day to a random, senseless act of violence. I am completely devastated for her, and I can’t even begin to imagine how she’s feeling. I’ve watched her son grow up; he was kind of like a nephew to me.
I know that nothing I can say can heal or soothe her pain, but I need a bit of guidance. She’s understandably quieter than usual, so I cannot necessarily tell what she needs from me. Sometimes I don’t know if she wants distance or wants me to stay around and be there for her. My instinct is to stay close and never leave her completely alone. Do you know the best way to deal with someone who is experiencing this type of grief? Distance or close proximity? -- Helpless Friend
DEAR HELPLESS FRIEND: I’m so sorry to learn of your friend’s loss. What she is going through is incredibly difficult, and there is no prescription for how she should handle her grief -- nor how you can support her. Your question is a great one because chances are, there are times when your friend needs distance and other times when she needs loved ones close by. Since you are not psychic, you cannot know for sure which moment you are in. Naturally, this is a difficult time for you, too.
I recommend that you stay close -- but from a distance. Text her regularly, but don’t always ask how she’s doing. Send her thoughtful things, like uplifting quotes, funny memes, links to programs you think she might enjoy, an audiobook that seems like it would make her smile, photos of the two of you enjoying yourselves together, etc. Keep in touch. Call her occasionally. Invite her to go with you for a walk or a drive. Ask her if she needs anything. She may say little, but I’m sure she will appreciate your attentiveness.