DEAR HARRIETTE: My daughter is pregnant and wants to give up her baby for adoption. I have offered to take custody of the baby and raise it to keep the baby in the family, but my daughter wants to give it to another family because she does not want it in her life -- or mine. I just can’t understand how that would be better. What if I had given her up? I told her this baby will not take away from her life, and any concern she may have about raising it I can help solve for her, but she’s not budging. I don't want to see a part of my legacy disappear from my life. Can you help me understand why she feels this way? -- Want To Be a Grandmother
DEAR WANT TO BE A GRANDMOTHER: The concept of the right to choose includes the right to choose what happens to your child. As upsetting as your daughter’s decision is to you, it is her right to choose to place her child with another family. You will have to live with that.
She may feel this way because she believes she will feel guilty and responsible for her child if it lives with you, no matter what you say (which is likely true). This may be more than she believes she can handle emotionally.
I totally understand your perspective. And, yes, it has been common for generations for grandparents to take over parental duties for grandchildren, often for life, assuming the role of parent. If you cannot convince your daughter to allow you to do this, you will have to let go -- and not judge her for her decision.