DEAR HARRIETTE: I agreed to allow my sister to come stay with me to visit my daughter. My sister and I do not get along, but I remain civil for my daughter's sake. Anytime we get into an argument, she goes way too far and says things about me as a mother. My sister can’t have kids, and I feel like she judges my parenting skills, from the job I pick to where I live to what I cook or wear. When she is in town, I feel like I have to tiptoe to protect my self-esteem from her. I don’t know how to handle her. She does not have kids, but I don’t want to say something unforgivable about that. I’ve encouraged her to adopt, but she always drops the topic and says she has her niece, my daughter. I am super uncomfortable around her. How should I tell her to back off? -- Back Off, Sister
DEAR BACK OFF, SISTER: Take a step back and evaluate what’s happening here. Why do you give your sister a pass to come into your home and enjoy your daughter, treating you with disrespect all the while? That doesn’t make sense. It is time for you to stand up for yourself.
While your sister is with you, sit down and have a talk with her. Tell her that you have gone out of your way to be sensitive to her situation and to accommodate her desire to stay close to your daughter, but you have had enough.
Point out how she treats you. Give her several examples of the things she has said and how she said them. Tell her that you do not appreciate her criticism and that you have had enough. If she cannot find it in herself to stop her critical conversation, you will not invite her to stay with you anymore. Regardless of what she says, don’t give in. Otherwise, your child will unconsciously learn that your sister’s behavior is acceptable and may take on some of those qualities.
(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)