DEAR READERS: Clearly, I hit a nerve with the discussion about videoconferencing from home and whether you should turn your camera on. Because so many of you continue to write in about this, I have chosen two more letters to share with you. Working from home and navigating professional engagements without the supports and rhythms that we had only a few months ago has changed the dynamic of our lives dramatically. We are all working to figure it out. Here are some of your ideas on this hot-button topic.
Sense & Sensitivity for July 03, 2020
DEAR HARRIETTE: I agree with so much of what Reality Check said but also with Professional Coach regarding women showing their faces on video conferencing. I am a woman who is currently not in the workforce. I care for our 4-year-old full-time. However, my husband, now working from home, is a full partner in this. I’m sick some days, and I can’t just take my child to drop-in care (in the current coronavirus climate) while I get rest. So my husband needs to do the care. And he does.
He has reminded his work team that everyone has a life that intersects with work, especially now, and he lives by that. My kid has interrupted, been half-naked, and thrown fits on client and co-worker calls my husband has taken. He never flinches. It’s not ideal, but it’s life. And I hope that being a woman, I would behave in the same unflinching way. Caring for children while in view of paying clients or everyday co-workers doesn’t demean anyone. It humanizes us. Maybe recognition of this fact can be a positive that comes from our forced working-from-home situation. One can only hope. -- Just a Normal Family
DEAR JUST A NORMAL FAMILY: Perhaps the fact that people who are part of our working lives periodically get glimpses of the juggle of our home lives may help us sensitize each other to the whole of our lives.
Sense & Sensitivity for July 03, 2020
DEAR HARRIETTE: I’m disappointed you’ve come down so definitively on the side of people who think participants in virtual meetings should willingly show their faces. In my experience working from home, most of these “virtual meetings” are really just conference calls with cameras. No visual aids are being shared. We talked on the phone for over a hundred years without being able to see one another and it worked fine, so why do we now suddenly need to show our faces?
I don’t need to see my co-worker's basement office, their laundry room or their dog licking itself in the background. Being off-camera lets me discreetly tend to other work while I listen to the conversation, whereas having the camera on obligates me to sit and stare attentively at a little dot so I appear engaged. Seen only from the shoulders up, this is a type of “performance” that negates nuances of body language and expression anyway. It doesn’t replicate the feel of a face-to-face meeting, and we shouldn’t pretend that it does. -- Camera Skeptic
DEAR CAMERA SKEPTIC: I agree with you, to a point. I do not believe the camera has to be on at every moment through your calls, especially if it is not common practice for your company. I do believe, however, that seeing your face when you are speaking to people adds a bit of dynamism and gravitas that can prove helpful, especially when person-to-person engagement may not return any time in the near future. By the way, videoconferencing is not new; it’s just expanded. Many businesses conference in remote participants all the time and have done so for years -- via phone and projected image.
My recommendations are not meant to create more pressure on anyone. I do believe, however, that seeing each other’s faces occasionally on videoconferencing calls can give you a leg up in terms of people remembering you in relation to the ideas you present and as an active team member.
(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)
Family Grows Testy in Close Quarters
DEAR HARRIETTE: Being able to spend more time with my family during quarantine has been great. However, as time wears on, we are all beginning to get on each other's nerves, and fights between family members have increased. I don’t want our home to be a hostile environment or family tensions to rise during this time. How can we work with this limited space and these restrictions to make a more civil and understanding home environment? -- Making Space
DEAR MAKING SPACE: You are singing the song of our times! As much as family members may love each other, too much togetherness can be too much. I recommend calling a family meeting and talking it out. Key word: talking. Agree not to yell or hurl accusations. Set the engagement terms so that everybody knows you are meeting to figure out ways to keep the peace during this incredibly stressful period.
Designate times and areas in the home that can be reserved for each family member -- to create space. Agree that you don’t always have to talk. Establish usage rules around common areas and technology, particularly the TV and the bathroom. Give everyone chores so that keeping the house clean doesn’t land on one person’s shoulders. Figure out safe ways to venture outside for fresh air and alone time.
Sense & Sensitivity for July 02, 2020
DEAR HARRIETTE: I recently got rejected by someone I am in love with because he had to move across the country for work. He said that “maybe in a few years” we can be together, but he doesn’t want a long-distance relationship right now. Is there such a thing as wrong timing, or was this just an excuse for him to turn me down? Should I try to get over him, or should I hold out for the possibility that we may be together in the future? -- Doomed
DEAR DOOMED: Maya Angelou said, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” As hurt as you are now, you must look at this situation for what it is. The man you love so much is not ready to love you back in the way that you deserve and need. He has told you as much. You need to believe him.
To answer your question, yes, there is such a thing as bad timing. Indeed, it is remarkable to me how rare it is for two people to find each other, fall in love and build a life together. That might sound nuts, but think about it. How often do we know of stories where one person was in love and the other was not? Or something stood in the way of the fulfillment of a relationship? I don’t say this to invoke gloom and doom, but to point out that it is rare and wonderful when the stars align and you experience true acceptance from someone who wants to partner with you in life at the very time that you want to do it.
Now doesn’t seem to be the time for you and this person. Don’t run after him or allow your heart to be bound to him after he leaves. Instead, accept the sad truth that this relationship is not meant to be. Pivot and move on to the life you are living. Keep your eyes open. Your partner may be standing in front of you, but you have to open your eyes in order to see.
(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)
Student's Fraternity Plans Alarm Sister
DEAR HARRIETTE: I am a politically active 27-year-old woman. My younger brother, who is just about to enter college, informed me that he wants to join a fraternity. I actively protested against fraternities during my time in college, as I believe they promote toxic masculinity and are spaces of sexual harassment. I also have several friends who were harassed by fraternity members during their time at college. I don’t want my brother to be influenced by this toxic environment, so how should I dissuade him from joining? Or should I allow him to make his own mistakes and simply talk to him about his experiences while in the fraternity as they come up? -- Open His Eyes
DEAR OPEN HIS EYES: You may remember when you were his age that it was hard to listen to your elders as you were trying to become independent. Tread lightly as you talk to your brother. Your goal should be to get him to listen to you. You can suggest that he do some research on the fraternity that interests him. Encourage him to find out about the fraternity’s history on campus and in the broader community. Suggest that he watch out for any fraternity that has the reputation of extreme hazing, sexual harassment or excessive drinking.
Tell your brother that you want him to have a great college experience, and as his sister you want to ensure that he is safe and that he is making smart decisions. Point out what you know about some fraternities. I emphasize “some,” because not all Greek-letter organizations are reckless, irresponsible or dangerous. If you resist lumping them all into one category, your brother may be able to hear your concerns better. If he does join, keep the lines of conversation open. Do your best to stay in touch with him during the pledge process so that you can step in if he seems to be in danger. But know that you cannot live his life for him. You can be of support, but don’t try to tell him what to do.
Sense & Sensitivity for July 01, 2020
DEAR HARRIETTE: I have been struggling financially for years. Recently I got a job that pays more than I have made in more years than I want to count. I want to take my family on a vacation. We hardly ever get to go anywhere because the money is so tight. I also know that I should put away some money for retirement. Right now, that pot is empty. Do you think it’s wrong for me to want to do both? Am I being foolish in trying to splurge a teeny bit for my family when I know I need to save? -- Want a Vacation
DEAR WANT A VACATION: Your desire for a little spark of joy and change of locale is certainly understandable, especially during these times when we have been cooped up at home for so long. Before making your decision, take a look at your finances. Are you up to date on your bills? Prioritize your expenses so that you have a clear sense of your situation. Figure out what you can save right now. Then look at what’s left. It may be possible for you to plan a modest and safe getaway with your family while putting money away for the future. Airplane tickets are super-affordable now, as is gasoline. Research nearby getaways that might make your family happy without breaking your budget.
(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)