DEAR HARRIETTE: I bought some expensive shoes, and my husband found out and told me to take them back to the store. Bills are tight, and he was counting on using the money to buy our car new tires. I took them to the store, and they told me they don’t give refunds. My husband was understanding and told me to keep the shoes, that I deserve them and he would figure out a way to get the money for new tires.
I felt guilty for not talking to him before a big purchase, so I was able to sell the shoes to someone and get the money back. But my husband was upset that I got rid of the shoes after he told me to keep them. He feels like I keep undermining him as a man, but I was only trying to right my wrongs. I’m so confused. Did I do the right thing? -- Gender Roles
DEAR GENDER ROLES: What you need is clearer communication. It’s understandable that you felt guilty after not communicating your desire for the shoes to your husband before buying them. Your guilt, however, continued to drive your actions without keeping your husband in the loop.
Now you two need to sit down and talk. Tell your husband you were not trying to undermine him. Explain that you felt bad and wanted to right your wrong. You now realize it would have been much better to talk it through with him. You could have mentioned that you would look to see if you could sell the shoes. Who knows if he would have liked that idea? To get on the same page, make an effort to talk to each other more and work through your issues and differences. This should help to bring you closer.