DEAR HARRIETTE: I just found out my daughter is sexually active -- at 15! My wife and I found out through her text messages because our iClouds are connected. I just want to ground her. My wife told me it’s OK, and we have to act calm, but I can’t. She’s my little girl, and I wasn’t prepared for this to happen. My wife thinks this is her area of expertise, which I can agree with because she has been through this, but I think I should be in the conversation. Should I let my wife handle this, or do you think I participate as well? -- Stressed-Out Father, Winston-Salem, North Carolina
DEAR STRESSED OUT FATHER: If your wife thinks your daughter will listen to her, let her begin the conversation. What you both want to avoid is getting so angry that you speak to her in a way that shuts her down. What needs to happen is for you to get through to her. Perhaps her mom can start the conversation, letting her know what you have learned and asking her to talk about it. The goal is to create space for meaningful conversation. You want to find out who the sexual partner(s) may be, how long this has been happening and if she is using protection. Find out if she has been forced to do anything she's uncomfortable with. And learn what her intentions are. She needs to be either taught or reminded of the consequences of sexual activity before being mature enough to manage it. Personally, I think your wife should encourage your daughter to reconsider her sexual activity.
Your wife should take your daughter to the doctor for a thorough examination to ensure that she is not pregnant and to rule out sexually transmitted infections. The doctor can also talk to her about sexual protection and activity.
When you feel less upset, it will be your turn to talk to your daughter. At that time, speak from your heart, but do your best to avoid judgment. You want to reinforce your family’s values.
(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)