DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a client who comes in to my work; I don't speak to her much, but I know that she is a transgender woman. We usually just say “hello” and “goodbye.” Last week, we had a full conversation, and I accidentally said “he,” which is not her pronoun of choice. I felt horrible and apologized repeatedly. She understood, but I still feel bad.
This is something I've never had to face until now. I don't want to feel awkward around her because of the mistake I made. I don't have anything against the transgender community, but my mistake makes me feel like I’m insensitive, which is not true. How do I move on from my mistake? -- Transgender Stumble, Pikesville, Maryland
DEAR TRANSGENDER STUMBLE: Move past your embarrassment at not having the language to be respectful to your client. Staying uncomfortable will only reinforce your ignorance next time you see this customer. Instead, do your research so that you can learn more about the transgender community and how to be supportive.
As far as language goes, you can use gender nonspecific pronouns. Saying “they” or “you” rather than “he” or “she” is common the days. Yes, it can be a bit confusing when it comes to grammar and number agreement, but it’s getting more common to be vague when referring to others. Many individuals have become “they” in contemporary speech. This is a safe way to avoid being gender specific when you aren’t sure.
(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)