Sense & Sensitivity by Harriette Cole

Friend Hides Work Promotion From Controlling Husband

DEAR HARRIETTE: My best friend just got a big promotion at her job. She told me about it, but she made me promise not to say anything. She is married to a controlling man who doesn’t like that she has a great career. The way she manages that is by downplaying her accomplishments. When she is at home, she is wife and mother. Rarely does she talk about her job.

My friend told me she is afraid that if I brag about her and put anything on social media, her husband may learn about it and get mad at her. I think this sounds crazy. Hiding who she is from the man she is married to doesn’t make sense to me. Plus, her children have no idea how amazing their mother is. This is weird and unhealthy, from my perspective, yet they have been married and doing this for more than 15 years. How can I get her to see that? -- Friend in Need, Jersey City, New Jersey

DEAR FRIEND IN NEED: Your friend has a right to live her life as she pleases. As difficult as it is for you to observe, you should not interfere. You would be surprised to know how many couples live out this scenario. We still live in a society where men typically are valued more than women. This is generally true regarding wages, job security and even reaching the glass ceiling. So when a wife exceeds all typical expectations, it can be intimidating for some husbands. Clearly, your friend has chosen to downplay what she does outside of her home in order to keep the peace. You don’t have to agree with her choices. You do need to stay out of it.

As far as her children are concerned, encourage your friend to expose them to options for their lives as they grow up so that they can see that the sky is the limit. You can suggest that she let them know about her work -- especially at pivotal moments.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am definitely stretched too thin, and now it’s causing me a problem. I work freelance on many projects. I am a member of two civic organizations. I am active in my church and in my children’s schools. I find it hard to say no because I know how to get things done. I have become the go-to person for everybody, it seems.

Just recently, it started falling apart. I double-booked myself for two very important projects. They are occurring literally at the same time. One is for work and one is for church. I have to work, but I feel horrible letting down my church. I told my pastor when I realized my mistake, but this is pointing to a bigger problem. I can’t juggle all these balls. It is too much. How do I get out of some of these commitments? -- Entangled, Detroit

DEAR ENTANGLED: You need to push pause on everything for a moment and regroup. First, take a nap. Literally rest yourself so that you have the presence of mind to think straight. Next, pull out your calendar and look to see what you have already committed to doing. Now, build in time for rest and for play. Look closely to see what you must remove in order to create this more flexible schedule. Now contact those individuals and tell them that you will not be able to participate as fully or at all because you do not have the energy to do that anymore. “No” is a complete sentence. Use it.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)