DEAR HARRIETTE: I have been in a “friends with benefits” relationship for five months. Recently, "Alex" talked to me about our “relationship,” and I was stunned. I think he’s assumed we have progressed into a relationship, but this was never discussed. Do I have the obligation to explain where I feel we stand? I have considered just telling him this agreement is over. -- When You Assume, Baltimore
DEAR WHEN YOU ASSUME: If the roles were reversed, you would probably want to know where Alex stands, and if he didn’t tell you, chances are you would feel duped. So here’s a time when the Golden Rule applies. Do unto Alex as you would have him do unto you. That doesn’t mean you have to break up with him. It does mean that you owe him the truth. If you are happy with a casual relationship that sometimes includes intimacy but truly is not headed toward a permanent bond, tell him. Then ask him if he can handle that.
Believe it or not, some guys can’t. The stereotype is that only men can handle casual sexual relationships, i.e. the friends-with-benefits type of engagement. The truth is that there are people who can handle the relationship and some who can't. To avoid things getting messy later down the line and you hurting Alex’s feelings or destroying a perfectly good friendship, be upfront with him now. If he agrees to stay involved with you, do yourselves a favor and check in from time to time to see if either of you wants to change the rules.
(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)