DEAR HARRIETTE: I frequently get bad headaches that range from a minor inconvenience to a migraine that causes me to temporarily lose parts of my vision. These come at fairly unexpected times, and I understand that I am not pleasant to be around when I am in pain. I feel bad canceling plans an hour in advance, but I have a horrible time if I go out and then have to be taken home. Is it ruder to bail on plans or show up knowing that I won't be pleasant to be around? -- Both Sides Lose, Wilmington, Delaware
DEAR BOTH SIDES LOSE: First, talk to your neurologist to find out if there is any refinement to your treatment that may allow you to reduce your migraines. An adjustment to your medication, diet or fitness routine could help you to be more balanced.
Beyond that, you must take care of yourself as you manage your relationships. Your headaches are akin to a disability. You may need to make it even clearer to your friends that you sometimes have sudden debilitating headaches. At those times, which are largely unpredictable, you cannot hang out. When you make plans to do things, apologize in advance that this could happen. Ask for their forgiveness upfront.
Then, if you think you can and want to hang out with them briefly, go for a short time. If it really is too much to handle, as a true migraine can be, let them know you are living with pain and have to cancel.
If you manage your friends’ expectations, you will also be managing rudeness. Dealing with your condition is not ideal, but it is real. Your true friends will figure out how to accommodate you in your times of need.
(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)