DEAR HARRIETTE: A friend of mine is known as someone who always flakes on plans. She cancels, forgets or is late, and she seems to think the world is waiting for her most of the time. However, when someone cancels plans with her, she badmouths them and expects everyone else's sympathy. Is there any way to show her she exasperates us the same way when she bails on plans? -- It Works Both Ways, Racine, Wisconsin
DEAR IT WORKS BOTH WAYS: When people behave unconsciously, they typically do things like your friend. Her lack of awareness of how her actions affect others reflects her disconnection to how she feels when others aren't sensitive to her. She needs to open her eyes.
This may require that you and your friends call her on her behavior every time. That could mean that you tell her that if she doesn't show up on time or at all for your next agreed-upon meeting, you won't be agreeing to meet her anymore. This may prompt an emotional reaction from her, which could be perfect because it may open the door to an honest conversation. You need to tell her that it hurts your feelings when she doesn't respect your time. Add that it is unbelievable to you that she would talk badly about anyone who cancels plans with her, given her track record. Ask her if you can agree to start over. What that would look like is her making a conscious effort to show up for her commitments.
(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)