DEAR HARRIETTE: My ex-boyfriend from many years ago has stayed close to me all this time. I recently invited him to an event I was having, and he happily came. If I tell the truth, I know I still care a lot for him, but it never worked out for us to be a couple. Since he has remained supportive and stays in my life in a nice way, I am happy.
I'm not happy, though, about what happened at my event. At a certain point, he met a family member who just came back into my life. He asked her to go out with him on a date. When she told me about it, I was devastated. Even though he isn't dating me, I can't imagine that he would think it's cool to date my cousin. How can I handle this? -- Sad, Washington, D.C.
DEAR SAD: It sounds like you haven't gotten over your feelings for this man. This could be because you keep him in your life. It could be because he chooses to stay and toy with your emotions -- consciously or otherwise.
As for the question of whether someone should be able to date an ex's relative or good friend, there are many opinions. Since it's likely in your case that he knew this would hurt your feelings, his actions are either unconscious or uncaring.
Tell your ex-boyfriend that you want him to draw the line for his relationships outside of your sphere of loved ones. And tell yourself it's time to let go of those lingering emotions.
DEAR HARRIETTE: There is a large question in my mind regarding "Brokenhearted" and her lunch with the ex-boyfriend. He is an EX-boyfriend, so they no longer have a relationship. So what was he really up to by inviting her to lunch to meet his fiancee? Was his purpose to rub it in her face, or was he requesting his ex-girlfriend's approval? Give me a break already. He was rubbing it in her face!
I've been on the planet for nearly 75 years, and I've never, ever heard of a situation like the one described by "Brokenhearted." Perhaps his goal was to make his fiancee jealous. This guy sounds like a loser, and "Brokenhearted" should forget about him and look for a new relationship. I suspect he will be looking, too, as the fiancee must already wonder what the purpose of the luncheon was! --Unconvinced, Chicago
DEAR UNCONVINCED: Thank you for sharing your wisdom regarding this situation. It may be rare for someone to innocently seek a former partner's approval of a new partner. Given that in this situation the two hadn't broken up long before the man had a new fiancee, you are likely right.
I want to add, though, that I have heard many stories of exes who become friends and some who -- usually years later -- ask for their exes' approval of their new partners. Perhaps in some of these scenarios they ask because they think their ex has a much better understanding of whether someone would make a good partner for them. Selfish, yes.
But even in those situations, unresolved feelings are often lurking. I'm not sure that innocence exists in these kinds of triangulations.