DEAR HARRIETTE: Since my wife and I got married two years ago, my relationship with her parents has been strained. It's now at the point where they've washed their hands of me. There is a definite personality and culture clash, and I'm not sure how to overcome it.
It started two months after we got married, when I was laid off. I was unemployed for three months before I found a dead-end job that barely paid the bills. During that time, my in-laws gossiped about my job situation to their friends, their pastor and anyone else who would listen. Whenever I've confronted my in-laws about this (by politely asking them not to talk about my personal matters to other people, and to find another topic to discuss with me), they've responded by rolling their eyes.
Another issue that bothered me had to do with my previous marriage. Whenever any disagreement came up, my in-laws' response was that I had unresolved anger toward my former in-laws and former wife and that they weren't doing anything wrong.
Things came to a head at my last birthday. My in-laws were very judgmental about how I chose to celebrate. When they presented me with a birthday gift, I responded that I wouldn't accept it because of their judgmental attitude toward me, along with the disrespect they showed me by their continued job-related gossip.
I've seen them face-to-face only twice since the beginning of the summer. Both times, it was tense and confrontational. My father-in-law and I ended up in a screaming match, and we departed in disgust. When we met last month, I tried to be diplomatic but firm as I established the boundaries. My in-laws accused me of playing the victim card, and then my father-in-law told my wife he regretted ever giving her to me in marriage. My wife, to her credit, said her place was beside me.
My wife visited her parents over the Thanksgiving weekend. My father-in-law told her they would not get me anything for Christmas and didn't want anything from me, either. Also, he said I was banished from their home, presence, etc., until I apologized for every sin I've ever committed against them.
Please advise me on how to resolve this. Frankly, the only reason I care about this whole situation is because they are my wife's parents. -- Desperate for Peace, Middle River, Md.
DEAR DESPERATE FOR PEACE: Your in-laws probably thought they were offering an olive branch when they gave you a birthday present.
To turn the tide on this relationship, approach them -- with your wife -- and apologize for any pain you may have caused. Suggest that you wipe the slate clean and start over. Tell them that you never intended to hurt them, that you love your wife and that you want to have a respectful relationship with them.
Be clear that it hurt your feelings when they were so unkind after your job loss, but that you also did not mean to be rude to them. Ask them to call a truce and to work to mend your fences.