Dear Ilana and Jess: My daughter Kara is 15 and recently, she has been wicked. No matter what I say or do, she snaps at me, and I feel like I’m walking on eggshells in my own home. How do I unmake this monster? - Stacey
Dear Stacey: The short answer: Walk straight into the belly of the beast. When you tiptoe around Kara, you’re allowing her disrespectfulness to carry on, unchecked. You may think you’re keeping the peace by appeasing her, when in fact you’re allowing her hostility to grow. This problem won’t get any better unless you address it head-on. Quite the opposite: it will get much worse. So, how do you do that?
First, set some boundaries. If you allow Kara to speak to you rudely without consequence, you’re condoning her behavior. Conversation is a privilege, not a right, and it’s earned on the basis of respect. If Kara is speaking inappropriately, give her direct language replacement and do not converse with her until she uses it. For example, let’s imagine that Kara says, “Mom, you have no idea what you’re talking about, so just shut up.” That cannot fly. Tell her (firmly): “Kara, you need to say this: ‘Mom, I’m not sure you understand. Let me explain it differently.’ Try that again.” If she refuses? No phone/iPad/other coveted electronics until she does what’s asked. That’ll speed up the process.
Second, know when she’s trying to get your goat. Snippy behavior is almost always a ploy for attention. If Kara is making comments that are hurtful for the sake of being hurtful,
for example, “you don’t care about me, anyway,” ignore her completely. Expect that she will up the ante and vie harder for your attention by making even ruder comments. When that happens, remain totally unaffected and disinterested. After the behavior gets worse, it will get better (and by that, we mean it will go away entirely).
Finally, remember that practice makes perfect. Kara has learned some bad habits, and it takes time to unlearn them. Be patient with her (and yourself). She’s learning a new language.
Say This: “Kara, you need to say this: ‘Mom, I’m not sure you understand. Let me explain it differently.’ Try that again.”
Not That: “Wow, you have been really nasty lately.”
Say This, Not That is based on the work of Cognition Builders: a global, educational company headed by Ilana Kukoff (Founder & CEO) and Jessica Yuppa Huddy (Chief Learning Officer). Everywhere from New York City to California to Shanghai to Zurich, the Cognition Builders team is called upon by A-list entertainers, politicians, CEOs, and CFOs to resolve the conflicts that upend everyday life. When their work is done, the families they serve are stronger than ever. With their new book, Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter Kukoff and Yuppa Huddy have selected the most common conversational mistakes parents make, and fixed them. For more information, please visit: https://cognitionbuilders.com. To purchase Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter visit: http://publishing.andrewsmcmeel.com/books/detail?sku=9781449488055.
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