Dear Ilana and Jess: My 15-year-old daughter Charlotte can’t stop obsessing over what everyone else is doing. She is terrified of missing out and tries to be all places, at all times. She won’t let my wife and I schedule anything, because she’s afraid that she’ll miss some opportunity that may come up on such and such date. What can I do to get her to do her own thing? — Jeremy
Dear Jeremy: Fear of missing out, or FOMO, as it’s now dubbed, is a side effect of the digital age that plagues many teens, preteens, and young adults. Social media allows our kids to be essentially omnipresent: Charlotte has a birds-eye view of the lives of everyone around her, available 24/7. Part of the issue is this relentless exposure to alternatives. But that’s not the whole story.
The perception that we’re missing out is similar to the idea that we’re doing something wrong. If Charlotte is hyper-concerned about what she should or could be doing, there’s likely a bigger issue at play. She may be trying to use every opportunity to get the attention of someone who is hot and cold. She may be trying to position herself in the pathway of a crush. She may be worried that others will misunderstand her absence if she backs out of an event, or fails to make plans. She may even feel anxious about simply saying, “no.” Whether it’s one of these, all of these, or none, the bottom line is that there’s more to FOMO than meets the eye. Explore it by asking Charlotte, “What would happen if you missed something you really wanted to go to? How would you feel, and what do you think would happen next?” Make sure Charlotte knows you’re asking sincerely, and not belittling her concerns.
Once you get a handle on the issue, you can address the FOMO more directly and effectively. This may mean scheduling breaks from social media — even if they’re as short as 15 minutes at a time — and doing a little reality check: “How many times have you actually missed out on something?” Help Charlotte debunk the myth that she isn’t involved enough. If it turns out that she is missing out on quite a bit, help her take practical steps to address the problem, whether it comes down to scheduling issues or a social difficulty.
Say This: “What would happen if you missed something you really wanted to go to? How would you feel, and what do you think would happen next?”
Not That: “You need to stop worrying about what everyone else is doing and just worry about yourself.”
Say This, Not That is based on the work of Cognition Builders: a global, educational company headed by Ilana Kukoff (Founder & CEO) and Jessica Yuppa Huddy (Chief Learning Officer). Everywhere from New York City to California to Shanghai to Zurich, the Cognition Builders team is called upon by A-list entertainers, politicians, CEOs, and CFOs to resolve the conflicts that upend everyday life. When their work is done, the families they serve are stronger than ever. With their new book, Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter Kukoff and Yuppa Huddy have selected the most common conversational mistakes parents make, and fixed them. For more information, please visit: https://cognitionbuilders.com. To purchase Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter visit: http://publishing.andrewsmcmeel.com/books/detail?sku=9781449488055.
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