Dear Ilana and Jess: How can I help my super stressed daughter? Lindsay is sixteen and, like most sixteen-year-olds, she’s incredibly busy. Between cross country, student body government, working part time, and keeping up with homework, Lindsay is overburdened and overwhelmed. Just about every day, Lindsay tells me that she is, “so stressed out.” I don’t know what to say, or where to begin. Please help. — Sharon
Dear Sharon: Here’s the good news: Lindsay knows that something’s not working. What she probably doesn’t know (and what you admitted you don’t know, either) is what to do about her stress. As a society, we tend to couple busyness and stress, as though the two are a packaged deal. It’s easy to see why those things go hand-in-hand, but the truth is that they don’t have to. Stress-free productivity is possible. Before you jump to whittle down Lindsay’s commitments (though this may, ultimately, be necessary, and that’s okay) pick her stress apart.
One of the many problems with stress is that it can create a vague sense of dread. An easy way to identify the sources of stress is to think about them in terms of excess and lack. In keeping with this, have Lindsay make a list of “more or less:” ask Lindsay, point blank, what she wishes she had more or less of in her life. For example, Lindsay might say, “I’d feel less stressed if I had more time,” or, “I’d feel less stress if I was caught up on homework.” Have Lindsay list these stressors in order of urgency: Those causing greatest distress get priority status.
Then have Lindsay create a second list, and place it next to the first. For each stressor, have Lindsay brainstorm at least one, realistic, action she can take to alleviate her stress. For example, if Lindsay wrote, “I’d like to have more time,” have her take out her calendar to find a 15-minute window she can devote to a project that needs more work, or a leisure activity she’s been putting off. Don’t let Lindsay opt out of dealing with larger issues. For example, if Lindsay says she’s stressed about doing well on the SATs, have her list one thing she can do to prepare for them, e.g., “I’m going to spend an hour at the bookstore this Saturday, looking over practice tests.”
Most importantly, have Lindsay put these steps into practice. The next time she says, “I’m so stressed out,” redirect her to the lists and have her do just one thing to alleviate it.
Say This: “I’m sorry you’re worried. I’d like to help you pinpoint the sources of your stress, so we can come up with realistic ways to reduce it. Let’s start by making a list of what you need more and less of in your life right now. For example, ‘I would feel less stressed if I had more time.’”
Not That: “Don’t worry!”
Say This, Not That is based on the work of Cognition Builders: a global, educational company headed by Ilana Kukoff (Founder & CEO) and Jessica Yuppa Huddy (Chief Learning Officer). Everywhere from New York City to California to Shanghai to Zurich, the Cognition Builders team is called upon by A-list entertainers, politicians, CEOs, and CFOs to resolve the conflicts that upend everyday life. When their work is done, the families they serve are stronger than ever. With their new book, Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter Kukoff and Yuppa Huddy have selected the most common conversational mistakes parents make, and fixed them. For more information, please visit: https://cognitionbuilders.com. To purchase Say This, Not That To Your Teenage Daughter visit: http://publishing.andrewsmcmeel.com/books/detail?sku=9781449488055.
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