Universal Press Syndicate
In the spirit of the great shock-u-mentaries that are late-night cable favorites, I am going to expose veterinary medicine's heinous funny bone with a joke we call "Give your cat this medicine at home."
It starts out with a cat lover putting off the trip to the veterinarian with a sick cat to avoid the following chain of events: cat hides under the couch, human attempts to extricate the cat and stuff it into a carrier, cat claws shred human flesh like a feline Freddy Krueger, cat finally womanhandled (man of the house nowhere to be found, so manhandled not a possibility) into the carrier, and a quick drive to the veterinary hospital, often while being serenaded with the unhappy sounds of a cat plotting revenge.
Finally, the exam room: Let the show begin!
Out explodes the cat, hissing and raking the air with claws extended. Finally, about 325 pounds of restraint (veterinarian plus technician) catch the cat and put on a show called Contortionist Cat Examination. So far, so bad. Everyone except the cat is now covered in cat fur. Some are sneezing. Many are bleeding. All are scared.
Finally, it's our turn to get even by simply saying to Mrs. Client with a straight face: "Socks has an infection that will require treatment at home for the next two weeks. Give Socks one of these tiny pills twice daily." In the eyes of the cat and the owner, of course, the tiny pills look to be the size of tennis balls.
As we watch the rumbling box and dazed owner head toward the car, we can well imagine the World Wrestling Federation Feline Match that will take place once they are home. The very thought makes us smile as we clean up the fur and patch up our wounds.
Once Ms. Trepidation (formerly Mrs. Frustrated Kitty Client) opens the cat carrier at home, a streak of furry flash-lightning can be seen dashing under the same couch where this odyssey began. When Ms. Trepidation's husband and children come home, she announces sweetly and innocently: "We need to give Socks a little medicine. Would you mind helping mommy?"
If they've been through this before, they respond with their own dash for cover. If they are rookies, they may agree to help, having no idea what's about to happen.
Soothing words and food lures are ignored by the cat. A quick grab finally extricates him from under the couch. With pills and fluffy towels out and doors closed, one set of hands pries open the cat's mouth and the bell rings for round one. Socks comes out swinging with a classic "bite or flight" response. The family counterpunches by throwing in the towel, literally, over and around the cat to make a cat burrito that can be stuffed with medicine.
Finally, the pill goes down, and everyone gives a big sigh of relief. Just then, the cat spits out the pill and in a flash is back under the couch. The family takes round two in stride as they put on the leather gloves. Not intimidated by a 575-pound opponent (Mom, Dad, couple of kids), the cat is ready to explore the floor, walls and ceiling of the living room.
Meanwhile, back at the vet's office, the veterinary team is chuckling. "Think of all the suckers we sent home to try to medicate their cats today!"
The truth be known, it's difficult even for veterinarians to give some cats medications. So next time you visit the vet and hear, "Give these little pills to kitty," turn the tables by saying: "No, I think I'll hospitalize her so you can make sure it gets done. As a matter of fact, would you show me the correct way to give a cat a pill, right now?"
Oh no. Payback. The worm has turned.
Q&A
Sensible haircut a must for pets
Q: Our spaniel mix has beautiful "feathers" on his legs and underbelly. He looks great when he comes from the groomer, but it doesn't take long before all that beautiful, long fur is matted, tangled and (in the summer) full of burrs. Any suggestions for keeping him neater? -- P.D., via e-mail
A: A lot of the physical features we see on dogs today are more about fashion than function. The profuse coats and feathering of some breeds and mixes are prime examples of this impracticality. In spaniels (especially American cockers), breeders have gone for more and more "furnishings" -- longer, more luxurious coats that look stunning in the show ring but are too often messy in real life. The overabundance of coat may show up in spaniel mixes as well.
While those who show dogs work to keep every inch of coat, for the purposes of everyday life it's usually better to keep things cut short. That's why pet poodles are kept in body-hugging "puppy clips" and terriers have their wiry coats clipped instead of having dead hairs pulled individually, as is normal for show. (Exhibitors call this "hand-stripping." It's tedious work but essential for winning.)
Ask your groomer to clip your dog's feathers to a functional length -- short enough to keep combed and brushed, long enough to maintain a degree of attractiveness.
As for burrs, here's a tip from hunting-dog trainers: Spray a little nonstick cooking spray (such as Pam) on the area. The lubricating effect will make it easier to slide the burr out of the fur. -- Gina Spadafori
Q: I have a 5-month-old toy poodle, and she isn't very interested in food. She's healthy and playful, but I'm worried she isn't getting her nutrition. I leave dry food down all the time. She waits until I add "goodies" such as broiled chicken breast. Any ideas? -- Y.C., via e-mail
A: Without meaning to, you've taught your puppy that food is always available and that if she waits, something better will come along.
You've taught her to be finicky; now it's time to teach her to eat.
Don't keep food available at all times. It makes house-training more difficult and removes the power of food as a training tool. (Fresh water, on the other hand, should always be accessible.)
Give your pup a quiet place to eat with no distractions. A crate is ideal, but a small room with a baby gate across it will also do. Put the food down and leave your pup alone for 20 to 30 minutes. Then pick up the food, eaten or not, and give your pet no food until the next scheduled feeding. Repeat at every meal: a quiet space, a set time for eating, and remove the remainder.
Don't worry if she misses a meal, or even a day's worth of meals. She won't starve. Above all: Do not, do not, do not give treats between meals, nor add those "goodies" to the meals after she turns up her nose.
I doubt it will take more than a couple of days for your puppy to learn to eat promptly the food that's set down in front of her.
Note: Don't try this on a finicky cat. Cutting off a cat's food supply abruptly can trigger a potentially fatal illness. If your cat's not eating, talk to your veterinarian. -- Gina Spadafori
(Do you have a pet question? Send it to petconnection@gmail.com.)
PET BUZZ
Simple TV ad nets big bucks for pets
-- An advertisement featuring singer Sarah McLachlan for the American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals (ASPCA) has proven to be a bonanza. The spot features still images of dogs and cats scrolling across the screen while McLachlan croons the haunting song "Angel" in the background. The New York Times reports the simple pitch has raised roughly $30 million for the organization since early 2007. (The ASPCA's annual budget is $50 million.)
-- Nearly 1,000 flute-playing snake charmers protested in Calcutta, India, demanding the right to perform with live snakes. USA Today reports that shows with cobras and other snakes have been banned in India since the Wildlife Protection Act of 1991, though they are still a common site among India's estimated 800,000 charmers.
-- Serotonin is crucial in the swarming of locusts, says a study published in Science magazine. The neurotransmitter, which moderates all kinds of behaviors in all kinds of animals (including humans), has now been shown to be responsible for turning desert locusts from standoffish loners into super-gregarious pests. This discovery may lead to methods to block the formation of locust swarms that can cover hundreds of square miles and involve billions of vegetation-munching insects, devastating agriculture and costing tens of millions of dollars to control. -- Dr. Marty Becker and Mikkel Becker Shannon
ABOUT PET CONNECTION
Pet Connection is produced by a team of pet-care experts headed by "Good Morning America" veterinarian Dr. Marty Becker and award-winning journalist Gina Spadafori. The two are also the authors of several best-selling pet-care books.
On PetConnection.com there's more information on pets and their care, reviews of products, books and "dog cars," and a monthly drawing for more than $1,000 in pet-care prizes. Contact Pet Connection in care of this newspaper by sending e-mail to petconnection@gmail.com or by visiting PetConnection.com.
THE SCOOP
Patience, repetition key to parrot speech
Teach your parrot to talk by repeating words clearly. Nurture communication further by using the words in their proper context and setting up an association your bird can grasp.
For example, every time your bird lowers his head to request a scratch, ask him, "Wanna scratch?" and then scratch him. When you give him foods or other toys, call them by name out loud. Play naming games with him: Say "keys" and then tell him "Good bird!" for taking them from you, and then repeat the exercise.
You may have an easier time in a one-bird household. Two birds may be more interested in communicating with each other than in figuring out your expressions. Some experts suggest not attempting to teach your bird to whistle, at least not until he has picked up speech. Whistling birds seem to show a reluctance to use words.
Not all parrots will learn to talk. African greys, Amazons and even tiny budgies seem to enjoy sharing language. Cockatiels are more likely to whistle tunes than talk.
Final note: Even if you're not intentionally trying to teach rude words or sounds to your bird, you might want to be careful about what your pet hears. Any word or sound can end up in a bird's repertoire, whether you want them there or not. -- Gina Spadafori
BY THE NUMBERS
The best places to be a cat
The CATalyst Council (www.catalystcouncil.org), a coalition of the veterinary community, academia, nonprofits, industry and animal welfare organizations, has named the top cat-friendly cities in the United States. The list was compiled after reviewing the top 25 standard metropolitan areas for such data as cat ownership per capita, level of veterinary care, microchipping and cat-friendly local ordinances.
1. Tampa
2. Phoenix
3. San Francisco
4. Portland, Ore.
5. Denver
6. Boston
7. Seattle
8. San Diego
9. Atlanta
10. Minneapolis
PET TIP
Want a cat? Adopt a pair
If you don't have a cat yet and know you'll eventually want two, it's easiest to adopt a pair at the same time.
It might be even easier if the kittens or cats are siblings, since they'll already be familiar with one another. But even if you adopt two unrelated cats or kittens (or a cat and a kitten), bringing them into a new home together at the same time works well, since neither has established his territory in the new environment.
Having two cats who like each other is the ideal situation, since neither will be lonely when you're at work.
This is especially true of cats who spend their entire lives indoors. Having company can make life much richer for them -- and for you! -- Gina Spadafori
Pet Connection is produced by a team of team of pet-care experts headed by "Good Morning America" veterinarian Dr. Marty Becker and award-winning journalist Gina Spadafori. The two are also the authors of several best-selling pet-care books. Contact Pet Connection in care of this newspaper, by sending e-mail to petconnection@gmail.com or by visiting PetConnection.com.