Q: How does divorce affect kids? We're in the process of getting a divorce, which is obviously taking a heavy toll on the entire family. Our kids have been acting out in a variety of ways; in fact, some of their behavior is so extreme I'm getting seriously concerned about them. What's considered "normal" in a situation like this? And what can I do?
Jim: Unfortunately, the only "normal" you can expect right now is abnormality -- the situation you've described is pretty much par for the course. It's easy to see why. A bomb has exploded -- or is about to explode -- in the middle of your kids' world. They feel that chaos is descending upon them, and they're reacting as anyone would react under the circumstances: chaotically.
Even without knowing details, I'd suspect that their behavior is characterized by a pendulum-like swing between opposing extremes: good and bad, clinging and withdrawal, silence and hostility, tears and anger, rebellion and helpfulness. I understand because that's what I experienced as a child when my parents split up.
Much depends on the parents and the overall tone of your relationship. Obviously, that relationship is stressed right now. But if the stress is controlled and expressed in a civil, respectful manner, this will be reflected in the children's response to the situation. On the other hand, if Mom and Dad are volatile, hostile, verbally abusive or passive-aggressive, the kids will follow suit. In short, your children's behavior will usually mirror yours.
It's also worth noting that many children of divorce struggle with feelings of guilt. Younger kids, especially, may blame themselves for what's happening -- so it's important to reassure them that your struggles as a couple have absolutely nothing to do with them.
So, what can you do to help ease the heartache and bring some semblance of order into the chaos? Your children need stability and emotional safety. So, encourage them to talk about what they're going through. If they're reluctant to open up, help them out by taking the first step. Give them an explanation of the reasons for the divorce -- but limit yourself to only the information that they need and are old enough to handle. Help them see that although life is changing dramatically for everyone in the family, things won't always feel as bad as they feel right now. Emphasize hope for the future. Meanwhile, try to maintain as much normalcy and routine as possible.
As you walk this path together, resist the temptation to use your children as an emotional refuge at those moments when you're weak and hurting. And don't vent grievances against your spouse in the kids' hearing. The children can't be your comfort and support; instead, you have to make the effort to be strong for them.
Also, encourage and help your children to find other healthy adult mentors with whom they can be honest about their feelings and talk about the challenges they're facing at home. Alert their teachers, school counselors, youth leader or pastor to the situation. Enlist anyone else you can think of, and trust, who might be willing to fill this role in your children's lives.
One last thing -- which is really the first thing. The best outcome for all concerned would be if your marriage could be saved. Without knowing your situation, I'll simply mention our Hope Restored marriage intensive experience. This unique program has an exceptional record of success -- even in cases where a couple has already filed for divorce. For more information, you can visit HopeRestored.FocusOnTheFamily.com.
If you'd like to discuss your situation at greater length, I'd invite you to contact us for a free consultation with one of our counseling professionals; call 855-771-HELP (4357).
Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.
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