Q: We've just discovered that our 16-year-old daughter and her boyfriend have been sexually active for a few months. That's not how we raised her and we're very concerned. How can we address this issue without alienating our girl?

Jim: Your question shows that your daughter has caring and sensitive parents who understand that blowing up or lecturing is generally counterproductive. That goes a long way -- as does a loving and thoughtful response. Feeling upset and disappointed is normal in situations like this, so I'd encourage you to pray and think before you react.

After you've sorted through these emotions, arrange a time to sit down and talk with your daughter. The goal is to contain the damage and encourage more healthy and rational decisions without driving a wedge into the parent-child relationship. Ask open-ended questions ("Can you tell me about your relationship with _____?") instead of judgmental ones ("How could you have done this?"). Then listen. Your response should put the emphasis on the big picture and explain how premarital sexual activity jeopardizes your daughter's future goals and dreams. While you'll want to take corrective action and consider appropriate consequences, avoid tearing down your teen's sense of self-worth with comments like, "I am so ashamed of you!"

On the pragmatic side, it's wise to get medical attention (i.e., testing for STIs and even pregnancy) from a provider who supports your values. You may also need to have a candid conversation with your daughter's boyfriend -- and his parents -- while reassessing and restructuring future contact.

Finally, consider getting your teen (and yourselves) into counseling. A wise therapist may be able to talk more candidly about sexuality and encourage future abstinence. Sexual activity may be a signal of more basic problems that need ongoing work. Our counseling team can help you get started; call 855-771-HELP (4357).

Q: I have five kids. They all have chores in our home, and they all give me different problems about those chores. Help?!?

Dr. Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting & Youth: As a family therapist, I've worked with households that have well-oiled chore systems and others with disastrous overrun homes. The main differences are found in the personalities, the relationships and the plan.

We all tend to fall into four distinct personality categories (although this is simply a starting point; personality is complex):

Talkers love a social and sensory rich environment. They often enjoy music while doing chores and would thrive on doing tasks as a group. Talkers bring fun and creative ideas for accomplishing chores.

Thinkers love structure, clarity and consistency. They see distinct task sequences and are most likely to complete chores without being asked or supervised. Thinkers can help create amazingly organized chore charts.

Leaders prefer to be in charge and may voice disagreement when they think a chore is pointless. But when motivated and humbly engaged, leaders can create momentum to conquer large tasks efficiently.

Peacemakers are relational, take their time and tend to procrastinate -- with chores and everything else. But peacemakers are the most likely of the personality types to just get chores done without complaining.

Incidentally, there are different interpretations of what "clean" looks like, so be clear with instructions like "clean your room."

Once you understand your kids' personality types, you can devise strategies for helping each of them complete their chores. And remember -- cleanliness doesn't make your house a healthy home, nor does it have to be "display-perfect." A key ingredient is grace toward one another as everyone learns to see chores as opportunities. Ultimately, the goal is a peaceful, fun and connected home that values service, humility and growth.

For more practical tips -- and a fun personality quiz -- visit FocusOnTheFamily.com/parenting.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: My wife and I often feel overwhelmed by "life stuff." I think we spend so much time and energy in our roles as Mom and Dad that we neglect our own relationship. Is it just a case of recognizing that our needs as a couple have to be put on hold until our kids are older and less demanding?

Jim: We hear this sort of question a lot; I think most couples with children can relate to some extent. A household can only be as strong as its component parts -- namely, husband, wife and kids. Healthy families are made up of healthy individuals, and happy, successful marriages tend to produce thriving, well-adjusted children.

Loving, connected spouses make the most effective moms and dads. So, the very best thing you can do for your children is to concentrate on creating the strongest possible bond with your mate. There are at least 12 distinctive qualities we've identified here at Focus on the Family that are vital for successful marriages. Here's a brief look at them:

1. Lifelong Commitment. Marriage is a lifelong adventure, filled with both triumphs and defeats. Couples who understand this can approach their relationship with the attitude that despite the challenges of life, they're dedicated to one another and won't throw in the towel when times get tough.

2. Shared Spiritual Intimacy. Thriving couples share a deep faith. They look to their Creator as the foundation of their relationship.

3. Respect Each Individual's Uniqueness. Don't ever lose sight of what drew you together before the children came along. Parents who are secure in who they are and where they're going naturally encourage every other member of the family to make the same discoveries. They motivate kids to search out and follow their own paths and to develop their special interests and talents.

4. Positive Communication. Communication is the heart and soul of any thriving relationship. So, it's critical for husbands and wives to spend lots of time talking and trying to understand each other's thoughts and feelings.

5. Healthy Conflict Management. A critical key to marital success is the manner in which a couple handles the inevitable conflicts of marriage -- in other words, by keeping short accounts and not letting anger fester.

6. Spending Enjoyable Time Together. Thriving couples are intentional about spending enjoyable time together. That includes regularly scheduled date nights and meaningful family traditions.

7. Cherish. Successful marriages are made up of two people who treasure and honor one another. Write down a list of the things you value about your mate, review it often and share it with them on a regular basis.

8. Nourish. Nourishing is a matter of discovering your mate's "love language" and learning to use it to express affection.

9. Shared Responsibility. Couples with vibrant relationships talk openly about their roles in the home. They devise a workable plan that preserves fairness in the delegation of household tasks and responsibilities.

10. Mutually Satisfying Physical Intimacy. Thriving couples regularly celebrate their marriage with physical intimacy. They understand that this includes affection, tenderness, warmth and physical touch.

11. Coping with Change, Stress and Crises. Successful husbands and wives recognize that external trials and pressures will happen -- that's life. So, they prepare for hard times and seek outside help when needed.

12. Community-Minded. Healthy marriage partners realize that they need other people and other people need them. They are involved in supportive communities where they have many opportunities to give and receive encouragement.

We have plenty of helpful resources and tips for improving your relationship, including a free marriage assessment tool, at FocusOnTheFamily.com/marriage.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: We're strongly considering adopting a baby boy from the foster-care system. He was removed from his birth home due to abuse when only a few months old. What do we need to know?

Jim: I commend you for your willingness to adopt a child from a troubled background. Our organization definitely wants to encourage you in this pursuit, but we also advise you to proceed carefully with your eyes wide open.

There's no one-size-fits-all pattern here -- every situation is unique. With that in mind, much depends on the individual circumstances of the child you're planning to adopt and the type of foster care he received after he was removed from his home. Some children who are neglected, abused or moved from caregiver to caregiver during their first couple of years of life can develop significant emotional and behavioral problems. They may even suffer from a phenomenon known as Reactive Attachment Disorder. However, some abused and neglected children are extremely resilient and display an astounding ability to thrive and grow once they're settled in a stable environment.

I'd suggest that you gather as much information as you can from the child's social worker -- and, if possible, the current foster parents. This will give you some background regarding the kind of care he has received and whether or not he appears to have any emotional or behavioral problems. Even if he does, that's not necessarily reason to forgo adoption.

If you do decide to adopt this child, consult with a psychologist who specializes in early childhood attachment. He or she can work with you, the current foster parents and the social worker to help ease the transition from the foster system to your home. Focus on the Family's counseling staff can provide a list of qualified therapists in your area; call 855-771-HELP (4357).

Q: My husband and I are reaching the end of our rope trying to deal with his mother, who is a lifelong hypochondriac. Most doctors simply refuse to see her anymore. She's driven my husband's family bonkers for years, and now this is starting to impact our relationship. When we try to ignore her behavior, she gets upset and calls continuously. I want my husband to confront her, but he's afraid to rock the boat. What can we do?

Dr. Greg Smalley, Vice President, Marriage & Family Formation: I feel for you; the frustrations and challenges you're facing are very real. Unfortunately, hypochondriasis is more than just an annoying behavior -- it's a legitimate anxiety disorder that requires professional treatment. With this in mind, I'd encourage your husband and his family to explore this option.

You obviously can't guarantee changes in your mother-in-law's behavior, but you do need to address the challenges it presents to your marriage. It's critical that you and your husband approach this as a team and not just something he needs to fix. Begin by determining what you both really need and want. For you, it's a limit on unhealthy communication with your mother-in-law. Your husband probably has the same desire, but also wants to preserve the relationship with his mom. It's entirely possible that his mother may have instilled feelings of guilt at a young age about him "not being supportive," so he needs to be able to address that in a healthy manner.

Once you've both identified your core needs, strategize and implement a solution that accommodates them. As difficult as it might be, establishing some firm boundaries with her should be a part of your plan. I recommend getting a copy of "Boundaries," by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. Our licensed or pastoral counselors would also be happy to help; see the number listed above.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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