(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)
Pulling a Loved One Out of the Misinformation Rabbit Hole
DEAR MISS MANNERS: My mom has succumbed to fake news. She frequently shares outlandish information with me that she is passing off as fact.
Sure enough, when I look it up, it is usually related to some sort of internet hoax or misinformation. I think she's spending way too much time on social media, and I feel concerned for her.
How can I politely handle this? I have tried letting some pieces of "data" pass by, and actually challenging only a fraction of the claims she makes, or by selecting only the most serious or concerning (e.g., those related to inaccurate reasons not to get the coronavirus vaccine).
In these instances, I will verbally note confusion about the statement she made, then send her a link to a reliable website that debunks the theory. But I also imagine that could get annoying for her. Any recommendations?
GENTLE READER: Good-naturedly strike a deal: “I’ll stop sending you corrections when you stop sending me inaccuracies.”
Miss Manners for March 06, 2021
DEAR MISS MANNERS: A cousin's child was married this weekend. It was delayed because of the pandemic. I am over 65, but this wedding was very important to me, so I attended. I had to drive 800 miles each way. The lodging was expensive. I gave them a nice present. I had visited his family regularly, and they visited me frequently, so I wasn't just a random guest.
At the rehearsal dinner, I was sitting with three of his mother's siblings who had traveled as far as I had. He and his intended visited with every table but spent only about five minutes with us before they were off.
The wedding was lovely, but because of the virus, there was no receiving line. The wedding party was outside getting pictures taken till dinner was ready and the groom's father went out and told them that was enough pictures.
Throughout the evening, the bride and groom visited tables and people, but never came near us. I never felt comfortable crashing their visit with other tables with people I didn't know.
I feel so sad that the feelings I have always had for him weren't reciprocated. I had always been told that the bride and groom should visit every table. I just felt ignored and not worth their time. Am I wrong to expect more than five minutes out of his time?
GENTLE READER: Yes, this was bad form. But Miss Manners would not balance the history of this relationship on this one event.
No doubt, since the couple came to see you during the rehearsal dinner, they crossed you off the list as successfully visited.
You are correct, however, that ignoring one’s guests for a lengthy photo opportunity is rude. That is where they could have spared some time -- and in the absence of which, you may bear resentment. For the sake of family harmony, Miss Manners will permit you to do so for the same amount of time that they were gone -- before you then forgive them and move on.
Offering Assistance Without Embarrassing the Recipients
DEAR MISS MANNERS: There were two people in line in front of me in the grocery store, an adolescent boy and a man I assume was his father. They were pooling change to buy a can of soup. One can of soup.
I desperately wanted to give them some money to help them out, but I didn’t want to embarrass or offend them. How could I have helped without making a spectacle of any of us?
GENTLE READER: By catching the cashier’s attention and saying, “Why don’t you include that with mine?” And then, with an apologetic and warm look directed at the father and son, continuing with, “I’m in a bit of a hurry.”
If you are able to carry off just the right look, Miss Manners’ hope is that it will imply that they are doing you a favor -- and perhaps counter any embarrassment because you have done one for them.
Miss Manners for March 05, 2021
DEAR MISS MANNERS: A very good friend's mother passed away recently. I promptly sent a condolences card by U.S. Mail upon learning of her passing.
Unfortunately, the same friend's father then died, literally less than a week later. All this must have been a terrible blow, and I am genuinely so sad for him and his family.
I suppose I should send a second card, but I feel like it seems untoward for some reason. (Especially since I use note cards from a purchased sets -- it then is obvious that I'm working through the same box of cards.)
Would one normally send two cards back-to-back like this? Should I at least switch up the type of note card that I use?
GENTLE READER: Given the doubly tragic circumstances, it seems highly unlikely that your friend is keeping track of your stationery. And if these cards are truly suitable for condolence letters, they are plain and unremarkable anyway.
Miss Manners does recommend, however, that you take pains to ensure that the content of your second letter is worded differently, and refers to the father, as the previous one was about the mother. Your friend’s grief will not likely sufficiently cloud their memory if the sentiments are (the handwritten version of) cut and pasted.
Miss Manners for March 05, 2021
DEAR MISS MANNERS: Where I live, it has become commonplace for cashiers and managers to ask whether you will leave a tip, even when the personal care is unworthy or the provider owns the salon.
I think the place could post a discreet sign or have a receipt with a line for tips. Otherwise, the customer is being publicly shamed.
Most of my personal care providers own the business, and I always give them a generous cash gift at year’s end. I really don’t think I have to explain this or be embarrassed by nosy questions. How would you respond?
GENTLE READER: “Not today, thanks” would be Miss Manners’ answer. When said pleasantly, it gives hope that the request will be fulfilled at some point -- but puts the timetable and manner firmly and rightfully in the customer’s hands.
Miss Manners for March 05, 2021
(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)
Friend's Sadfishing Is Sinking the Relationship
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a friend with whom I used to have a lot in common. She has many fantastic qualities, and I quickly grew to consider her one of my best friends, despite her living a few states away. We could talk for hours on the phone every day, and we collaborated on creative projects. When we first met, she had some ailments for which she was on leave from work for a few months.
I quickly began to realize, though, as new excuses for why she could not work began to pop up (and the paid leave from work extended on and on), that dwelling on her ailments and illnesses and many symptoms is a very big fixation for her and not just a passing hardship. I also began to find it odd when she would become furious at her husband if he ever became ill with a cold or flu and got attention or sympathy from others.
I am not sure if this person is genuinely experiencing chronic pain, suffering from hypochondria, or suffering from Munchausen syndrome. As I am neither a doctor nor footing the bill for her medical leave, the truth is really none of my concern. I believe that if your mind tells you you are suffering, then you will suffer.
What IS my concern is that our conversations have become one-sided fishings for sympathy. I am tired of the negativity and having to console and comfort someone constantly, when it has become clear that she does not do anything to help her situation.
I recently went on a fantastic weeklong trip and she didn't once express interest in hearing about my trip, though we share a love of travel. Instead, upon receiving my first message that I was back home and had internet again, she immediately began to complain that she tripped a few days earlier and went into great detail about how sore her shoulder is and how she might have fractured something, or how she had to chop wood for the wood stove and now has a terrible backache that makes it difficult to sleep (despite having a free way to heat her home in the winter, which seems like a plus to me!).
Is it ruder to ignore her complaints, or is it ruder to tell her the truth as to why our friendship is now strained?
GENTLE READER: The answer will depend on how you approach each option. Telling your friend that her recitation of symptoms has become a bore is ruder than excusing yourself for the delay before you returned her call, or finding that you have to get off the phone now.
Never answering messages, or interrupting your friend to change the subject, is ruder than telling her how much you feel for her suffering, but you miss the times when you used to enjoy one another’s company so much because you had so many happy things to talk about.
As to which is to be preferred, Miss Manners recognizes that the latter, while more difficult, may be worth a try with a dear friend who has lost her way. But she will understand if you choose the former.
Miss Manners for March 04, 2021
(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)