(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)
Workplace Vulgarity Can't Be Excused by Implicating the French
DEAR MISS MANNERS: A colleague of mine likes to tell jokes and will preface a punchline with "Pardon my French," and then follow with something that is either obscene or offensive, ending with a boisterous laugh.
I detest this sort of boorish behavior, but any look of disdain on my behalf only leads him to take further aim at me, saying things like, "Oh, we mustn't offend poor Tania!" making me look prudish and stuffy, which I am not.
I must deal with him frequently and can never be certain when he'll erupt into this sort of embarrassing vulgarity. Can Miss Manners suggest a way to respond?
GENTLE READER: If you will first kindly explain to Miss Manners what is so terrible about being considered prudish and stuffy. By your own account, we could use a touch more of that, considering how much we have of the opposite.
But as you asked for an alternative, Miss Manners suggests, “I’m afraid you are about to offend our French friends. They would hate being characterized as a smutty nation.”
Miss Manners for March 02, 2021
DEAR MISS MANNERS: How do you politely decline an invitation to a friend’s house because you feel they are not careful enough or do not wear masks?
GENTLE READER: By resisting the temptation to deliver a lecture in return for an offer of hospitality. If you say, “Thank you, but I am leading a restricted life these days,” Miss Manners hopes your friend will resist the temptation to lecture you -- and perhaps even be influenced by your example.
Miss Manners for March 02, 2021
DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it rude for a person to ask what a student's grades are?
GENTLE READER: Not if it is your parent. Miss Manners agrees that anyone else who does is rude, starting with the fellow student who is only looking for a chance to show off.
Miss Manners for March 02, 2021
DEAR MISS MANNERS: Back in the 1970s, my mother-in-law wanted me to call her “Mom,” and every weekend, when my husband and I went to her home for Sunday dinner, she started the hug hello and then the hug goodbye.
This felt foreign to me. “Mom" was reserved for my mom, and I don’t feel like hugging anyone unless there’s an extreme reason to, such as if someone is ill, or close to death, or if you haven’t seen them in some time. I was an only child and brought up to be more reserved. My husband was also an only child, but apparently in a more huggy family.
Fast-forward and I think, did it really hurt for me to hug her? After all, she never had a daughter and lost her husband and mother in a three-week period. It was acting on my part maybe, but it made her feel good. Like they say, “Pick your battles.”
GENTLE READER: Huggy time has now passed, the pandemic having made us learn ways of showing good will without touching. And as hugs were overused, Miss Manners is not sorry to see them go as a routine greeting, but she will miss handshakes.
However, she appreciates the lesson you learned from this experience: that sometimes it is worthwhile to make trivial compromises in order to make someone happy.
Correspondents Lost in a Sea of Honorifics
DEAR MISS MANNERS: How should you address the president and his wife in correspondence? Would the proper honorifics for correspondence with the current president and his wife be Mr. Joe and Dr. Jill Biden?
GENTLE READER: Perhaps you ask because of the kerfuffle about whether the title “doctor” should be used by doctors of philosophy. That should not be an issue in this case, because it is known that the lady in question does use it.
But there is a different, almost-forgotten rule that applies here. That is that the president of the United States is the preeminent person by that surname, as is the president’s spouse, and therefore their first names are not used.
Miss Manners realizes that this doesn’t make much sense, but then, tradition often doesn’t, and that is not always a disqualifying factor.
A silly example: In the 19th century, Caroline Astor, the wife of William Astor, was considered by some, most prominently herself, to be the leader of New York society. She therefore insisted upon being just “Mrs. Astor,” while others who had married into the family needed to specify which (lesser) Mrs. Astor they were -- that is to say, it was necessary for them to use their husbands’ full names.
Still following? And let’s not get sidetracked by the formal nomenclature of ladies, in which their own given names were not used, let alone their surnames of birth. It was accepted at the time.
Finally, the answer to your question:
“The President and Dr. Biden.”
Miss Manners for March 01, 2021
DEAR MISS MANNERS: Please tell me the proper way of addressing an envelope to a Supreme Court justice and his or her spouse.
GENTLE READER: These questions did not arrive at the same time, but Miss Manners is gratified to know that citizens are addressing their government leaders respectfully, whatever it is that they intend to say.
Allowing for spousal titles or different surnames when applicable, Supreme Court justices and their spouses are addressed as:
“Justice Fairman and Mrs. Fairman” or “Justice Wisdom and Mr. Wisdom.”
Miss Manners for March 01, 2021
DEAR MISS MANNERS: When a couple got married, she decided to hyphenate her maiden name and her husband’s last name.
Is it proper for the husband also to hyphenate his last name by taking her maiden name, i.e. her maiden/his last? Would this be legal on important papers? People are doing some strange things these days, and I can't keep up.
GENTLE READER: Don’t even try.
Recognizing the limitations of the 19th-century terms, “Mr. and Mrs.,” and delighted to see the return of the 16th-century term Ms., etiquette recklessly decreed that every lady could decide for herself; and, although it less often comes up, every gentlemen can decide his own name. That makes work for others, memorizing each individual’s preference, but Miss Manners thought people would be happy having the choice.
No such luck. They want to enforce their choices on others, and they take insult when someone fails to remember their particular choice.
Miss Manners for March 01, 2021
DEAR MISS MANNERS: Why do you call your readers "gentle"?
GENTLE READER: In the hope that they will become so.
Miss Manners for March 01, 2021
(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)
Showing Up Early to Online Meetings
DEAR MISS MANNERS: When a videoconference is scheduled for a certain time, does one “arrive” 10 minutes ahead of time in order to try to connect and solve any technical problems? Or does one arrive at exactly the time announced and then start solving technical problems -- and then wait while others arrive and solve THEIR technical problems?
Although I think that the online event should resemble an in-person meeting, where attendees arrive early and the meeting begins at the scheduled time, it appears that most webinars only begin to allow attendees into the virtual room at the meeting time. So it is only then that you realize your technology isn’t working, or that the link is incorrect, and you have to hurriedly troubleshoot while others do the same.
I am new to the world of doing everything online like this, so I wondered if there were established protocols that I don’t know about.
GENTLE READER: The new conference rules, Miss Manners finds, are not so dissimilar to meetings held in person: Try to arrive early, and be prepared for congestion.
Hosts should arrive at least a few minutes in advance to prepare for timely guests, but all involved should exercise patience and good humor at inevitable delays. At five minutes past the start time, however, if a quorum is achieved, the meeting may reasonably start.
Finally, inevitable latecomers and those having trouble with their technology should make efforts to cause as little interruption as possible. That is where “mute upon arrival” will be sorely missed when we finally return to the physical world.
Miss Manners for February 27, 2021
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I just opened up my electricity statement, and the bill seemed way too high. I looked at the usage history, and the kilowatt-hours listed for each month ranged from two to three times my actual usage.
I then noticed that the bill was for my next-door neighbor. Oops. In the morning, I am going to deliver the bill to my neighbor and apologize for inadvertently opening it.
Should I mention that their bill looked really high? Maybe their meter is malfunctioning, or maybe they have some really energy-consuming equipment running in their house. Or maybe they kept their house at 40 degrees during the summer (though I doubt this, because the bill was outrageously high every month).
Once I noticed it was their bill and not mine, I stopped looking at it. But what do I do with the information I learned when I thought it was my bill? What is a good neighbor supposed to do in this circumstance?
GENTLE READER: Nothing. This was not your bill, and quite literally not your business.
Miss Manners has, however, noticed that some electrical companies provide helpful neighborly comparisons to show how one could reduce bills through their service. Let them do it.
As the neighbor, you surely don’t want to damage relations by appearing nosy -- or be similarly subjected to unsolicited advice from them.
(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)