DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband committed suicide. It has been an unbearable tragedy. Generally, I have not kept his cause of death a secret. If I have to tell a close friend, I will tell them that he took his own life. If I have to tell a business acquaintance, I’m more likely to say he died unexpectedly. In general, I don’t tell anyone the morbid details.
I recently saw an acquaintance who I’ve been friendly with, and whom I only see once or twice a month. I hadn’t seen her since this occurred. She made a small innocent joke about my husband. I paused for a moment and said, “You couldn’t have known this, but he died.” She was of course shocked, and said, “Are you kidding me?” I assured her I wasn’t and she was very apologetic.
I felt terrible, and I think she felt terrible, too. There truly wasn’t any way she could have known. But I didn’t feel that it was fair not to say something.
I’m writing to ask how I might have better handled the situation. How and when should I inform people about the situation in a considerate way?
GENTLE READER: Was there no obituary? These are helpful in spreading the news, but so are close relatives or friends. But for anyone who still did not hear about it, Miss Manners finds your wording extremely tactful. Your friend asking if this devastating news was somehow a joke, however, was not.