DEAR MISS MANNERS: I work overseas, far from family and friends. When I talk to my oldest friend (we are both in our late 50s), she says she is lonely because she has no friends.
I was a housewife in a very small town for many years, and then earned two degrees in order to work abroad. She earned her degree immediately after high school and has worked and lived in a large, exciting city for over 30 years.
When she says she has no friends, I feel guilty. She thinks I live an exciting life but in fact, I live a routine life, just as she does. She actually does have a few friends, but all but one live outside her city.
I feel like she has made choices that have caused this relative isolation, but I don’t know how to say this. I also think she is feeling sorry for herself. What is the best way to react?
GENTLE READER: A friend listens. What you do next depends upon what you hear. If she is expressing despair, action may be required. If it is casual self-pity that has become habitual, it is time to change the subject. Miss Manners does not see that guilt serves any purpose, either for you or for your friend.