DEAR MISS MANNERS: My parents and I went to see an independent film that promotes a political agenda with which I don’t agree. The auteur had set up a table outside the theater and was giving away free T-shirts. Subsequently, my parents offered me one if I wanted it. When I declined, I think they felt a little insulted.
If they had given me this T-shirt as a gift, I would have thanked them, taken it, and promptly put it in the donation bin when I got home. I felt free to decline because they specified “if you want one.” Should I have treated this like a gift and just taken it?
GENTLE READER: The surface answer is that there was no insult in your declining such an offer. But they are your parents, and Miss Manners probably doesn’t need to tell you that there is a lot going on here beneath the surface.
Here is her guess at what is lurking below:
Your parents are aware that your political views differ from theirs, and hoped that the movie might help change your mind.
You agreed to go to oblige them, and perhaps to gain some insights into their thinking.
They hoped it had worked to the extent that you would wear evidence of having changed to their views. This was a probe, rather than a gift.
But it didn’t work, so they were disappointed.
Miss Manners suggests that you tell them simply that you found the film interesting, and let it go at that.
(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)