(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)
Birthday Girl Was Right to Accommodate Fussy Friend
DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I invited some friends and their significant others to celebrate my birthday, I asked people what date and time would be best, and reserved a nice restaurant based on their availability.
A week before the event, a friend who lives the farthest away called and suggested a different place. She said the original place was "pricey," and that it would be far for her to travel (over an hour). She encouraged me to pick somewhere 30 to 40 minutes from her.
In the end, I did cave and pick a different restaurant, because it was important to me that my lifelong friend be present to celebrate. However, I can't help but be annoyed with her. I have gladly traveled over an hour in the past to locales of her choosing, including to her birthday. If it's truly too expensive for her to have dinner with friends, she could order appetizers only, split the bill with her boyfriend or simply not come.
So what should have been done here? Was it wrong of her to wrangle the host into accommodating her personal concerns? Or was it wrong of me to choose somewhere out of a guest's price range?
GENTLE READER: They were not your guests. Were you the host of this party, as well as the guest of honor, Miss Manners would have supported your indignation that a guest tried to renegotiate the terms.
But you were only asking your friend to buy herself dinner while paying tribute to you. That she wanted to go someplace she could afford seems eminently reasonable. Of the three cost-saving suggestions you mention, Miss Manners would have chosen the third.
Miss Manners for April 16, 2019
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a 73-year-old man. Looking at me, I am obviously somewhere in the 70s age range. I often encounter much younger people who address me as "young man."
I do not understand why they do it. We both know I am not young. Do they think I feel better to be so addressed?
For example, when I had hip replacement surgery recently, I was attended to very professionally afterward by a physical therapist, of apparent age mid-30s or so, who deserves great credit for everything she did in helping me to recover and return to what I consider to be a very vigorous 73-year-old lifestyle.
But she keeps calling me "young man." Maybe it shouldn't bother me, but it does. How should I handle this situation?
GENTLE READER: By asking the therapist politely to stop, because yes, she does think that this makes you feel better.
Our society has the appalling concept that it is embarrassing to age, and that we therefore have to keep up the elaborate pretense that everyone seems young. You are not the only adult who finds this disrespectful. If you explain this gently, you will be doing a favor not only for other clients, but also for her, as she ages.
Disclaimer Doesn't Dampen Discourteous Declaration
DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it rude to begin a conversation with "I don't want to start a fight, but ..." and then say something rude, challenging or confrontational? Another version I've heard is "Don't get mad, but ..." just before a person says something rude.
While this declaration is fine on certain occasions (such as when a trusted friend is telling me a hard truth from a place of love), I do find it hard to deal with on others. It seems to me that it is a way to shift blame from the person saying something rude to the person who hears an insult and then feels the need to respond by dispelling or challenging whatever was said.
P.S. The person who says this most often is my ex-husband. "Don't get mad, but I no longer care about your feelings." I suppose a candid "Me too" might've been a better reaction than trying to justify why we should get along for the sake of our shared child.
GENTLE READER: Oh. Miss Manners was about to handle this as the nasty habit some people have of trying to head off the consequences of insulting others by classifying them as helpful. But that was before she read your postscript.
Of course it is rude. Not caring about the feelings of others is practically the definition of rudeness, and saying so takes it up another notch. Your ex-husband was trying to be rude. You don't need Miss Manners to tell you that. She only hopes that for the sake of your child, you do not descend to his level.
Miss Manners for April 15, 2019
DEAR MISS MANNERS: May I call my doctors, including dentists, by their first names? I have been their patient for almost 20 years.
GENTLE READER: And therefore you feel you are on the same terms with them as others with whom you take off your clothes or welcome into your mouth?
Miss Manners does not recommend dispensing with the formality of professional relationships, which makes that useful distinction.
Miss Manners for April 15, 2019
DEAR MISS MANNERS: There is a disturbing trend that my husband and I have experienced from weekend guests. These are friends who previously have said that we have the best bed-and-breakfast in California.
When they woke up, the wife greeted us with, "You need another blanket on the bed." I asked if they had used the room heater or the comforter; they didn't use the heater and said the comforter was too heavy. I felt that this was akin to how one might respond to a rental.
She also complained about the food, making our dinner very uncomfortable. (My husband is a great cook and everyone says so.) I felt that this was akin to a restaurant review.
Needless to say, we have not invited these "friends" back. I write to alert your readers not to apply online behavior to personal experiences.
GENTLE READER: Indeed. Perhaps you should not have been so flattered about being compared to a B&B.
The confusion between the commercial and social worlds has become commonplace, with guests expecting to set conditions and hosts demanding contributions and even payment. In your situation, Miss Manners would have been tempted to sympathize with the guests, saying, "I'm so sorry you're not comfortable here. Let me find you a good hotel."
Miss Manners for April 15, 2019
(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)
Granddaughter's Choice of Baby's Name Is Just That: Her Choice
DEAR MISS MANNERS: My granddaughter, who has never been married, had a child. She put the last name of the father on the birth certificate as the child's last name.
I contend that this appears as if she had been married and is not correct. Would you please inform me as to what is the proper last name in this instance?
GENTLE READER: Van Rensselaer. Or whatever name your granddaughter chooses. Miss Manners is not sure whom you think your granddaughter is fooling into thinking she is married, but assures you that the government cares only for tax purposes, not moral ones.
Miss Manners for April 13, 2019
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I work with a girl who thinks we are the closest of friends, but we aren't. In fact, I find her irritating at best. We've worked together about two years now, and four months into her starting work with me, she was proclaiming I was her best friend.
I've never considered her much more than a work acquaintance. We've hung out socially once or twice, mostly because I feel bad because she doesn't have that many friends outside of work, but now it's gotten to the point where if I don't sit with her at a meeting or eat lunch with her, she gets mad at me. She wants to be around me all the time.
I've also just recently become engaged, and now she very presumptuously says she wants to be included in the wedding planning. I don't really even want to invite her to the wedding, but I know she is going to expect an invitation, as our other colleagues (who actually ARE my friends and have been for over a decade) will be invited to the event. I don't want it to be awkward at work if I don't invite her, but I don't want to see her on the big day. What do I do?
GENTLE READER: Give her a job -- an appointment of honor that will keep her busy and far away from you throughout the wedding and reception. Minding the guest book or looking after wayward children are good examples. Miss Manners realizes that this may not solve the more long-term problem of disengaging with her as friends, but with any luck she will complain to others that she was being used -- and want to discontinue the friendship herself.
Miss Manners for April 13, 2019
DEAR MISS MANNERS: In our office, we frequently have a catered lunch that is served buffet-style. The meal is set up by a team of employees. This group announces that the meal is being served, and all the managers rush to the head of the line to serve themselves ahead of the rest of the employees.
I was taught that management, or those hosting the party, serve themselves last. I am about to be promoted to the management team. What is one to do? I hate feeling incorrect.
GENTLE READER: Then set a good example. Having been promoted, you have a unique opportunity to do this. Miss Manners recommends that you take full advantage, telling your new cohorts, "Let's let the other employees eat first as a show of appreciation for how hard they work." She further permits you to do it in a loud voice, if you must, in order to get full credit.
Miss Manners for April 13, 2019
(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)