(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)
Sister-in-Law Resents Assumption That She'll Provide Maid Service
DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband's sister has two children, one of whom was born recently. Throughout the pregnancy and after the birth, we were expected to go to their house often, although they never come to ours. I understand this because we have no children and it makes sense.
However, when we go there, we're treated a bit oddly. His sister often won't come say hello for an hour or two and will stay upstairs or on the couch. I do understand that she may be tired certain days, but it's becoming a real pattern. I'm also expected to do odd jobs or clean the entire time. One of the grandmothers will put me to work, and while I of course understand that I should help with setting the table, the food, etc., it's to the point where I'm left feeling more like a maid when there's basically no socialization the whole night.
In one night, I set the table (and was asked to make animals with the napkins), loaded the dishwasher with their dirty dishes from days past, made most of the food, made drinks, wrapped presents for the children, cleaned the kitchen (again from days past) and walked the dog.
My husband bought the majority of the food, as he tends to do, and has frequently been involved in multi-day, intensive labor projects around the house.
I understand that birth order does come into play (it's only the two of them, and he's about seven years younger), but I'm starting to not want to go there. I can't exactly politely express this -- plus, a guest is supposed to be helpful. I'd love to get your thoughts on the issue because I'm at a bit of a loss.
GENTLE READER: Helping out with some light cleaning after a new baby is born is one thing. Demanding origami napkins, however, is quite another.
The need for family assistance is generally tolerated because it usually subsides as the baby gets older and the parents become more self-sufficient. But this is a second child. When will it end?
Miss Manners is confused about how the adult birth order enters into the equation. Is the logic that the younger one is eternally subservient to the older? If that is the case, even your unborn baby, faced with two older cousins, should become resigned to a life of servitude.
To avoid this fate, Miss Manners recommends that you start making your visits shorter and less frequent -- and weaning yourself off of asking the question, "What can we do to help?" This is not to say that you cease providing services, only that you start doing it reasonably and on your own terms.
Miss Manners for April 12, 2019
DEAR MISS MANNERS: Although I did not comment, I was offended when a dinner guest got up from the table and fed her steak to her dog. She has no dietary restrictions, so I can only assume she didn't like it.
The other guests consumed every morsel, so I know it wasn't because it was not tasty. My husband says I am being over-sensitive. What do you think?
GENTLE READER: That you should stop allowing guests to bring their dogs to your dinner parties.
People 'Drift Apart' From Friendships for a Reason
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a problem with often being too nice. It often gives the impression that I'm interested in being friends with someone when I'm really not.
I have gone out of my way to be nice, helpful and friendly because I suffer from guilt when I'm not those things, plus I don't want to be considered a cold, rude, distant person -- I'm not when I do want someone as a friend. I guess I'm saying that I treat everyone the same, and that can have consequences.
My predicament now is that although I will shortly be both moving out of my apartment building and changing jobs (for other reasons), my little one-person fan club insists that we keep in touch and still be close friends and lunch companions. Do you have suggestions as to how to handle this without insulting her or making me feel guilty?
We really don't have anything in common; I don't enjoy her company, and neither of us really contributes to a lifelong close friendship, although you'd never know it. I've planned on not being the one to initiate contact and always having "something else" planned. But that seems like a transparent, rude brush-off. Yet isn't that better than the naked truth? I should add that the other woman has plenty of family and real friends, and so I wouldn't be abandoning her to the solitude I would enjoy.
GENTLE READER: Those who take advantage of the feelings of guilt, responsibility or simple good nature in others rely on a misunderstanding: Friendship is not an obligation but a pleasure, based on mutual understanding and good feelings, often expressed in reciprocal acts of kindness.
Miss Manners says this not to assure you that you have no obligation to others, but rather to clarify what that obligation is -- and is not. Assisting an elderly neighbor, as one example, is a good deed. Spending time with someone who bores you, and to whom you owe nothing, is neither a good deed, a requirement of good manners -- nor a sensible use of time. If you do not offer future invitations -- and answer those extended to you within a measured time -- the problem will resolve itself. It is known as drifting apart.
Miss Manners for April 11, 2019
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I've been invited to a party. The hours are from 6 p.m. until 10 p.m. Am I required to be there the entire time? I had hoped to stay until the end so I can help my host with cleaning up afterward.
GENTLE READER: How long you are required to remain depends on the nature of the party. Leaving in the middle of a sit-down meal is rude, while holding out past the end of a cocktail party may be equally rude.
Miss Manners presumes that your desire to clean up is altruistic -- you want to be helpful, rather than enjoying the act itself. But she assures you that if you reciprocate the invitation, you can clean up your own party rather than hanging around the kitchen at your friend's.
Miss Manners for April 11, 2019
(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)
Pet Gifts Are Owner's Pet Peeve
DEAR MISS MANNERS: How do you gently bring up or remind somebody, like a relative or significant other, that gifts they give to you that are really gifts for your pets aren't really gifts for you?
If it was pet food or litter, or something you would normally spend your own money on, that's one thing, because it saves you a future expense. But when it's something your pet doesn't need that you wouldn't get them anyway, it just feels like a disappointing gift to receive, because you thought they would put a modicum of thought into giving you something you would enjoy, but instead gave you something your pet would enjoy.
I feel like it almost can't be brought up without being rude. Am I wrong?
GENTLE READER: Your definition of a good gift -- something that displays both knowledge of the recipient and a thought for her enjoyment -- agrees with Miss Manners' own. Where we apparently disagree is not on whether a gift to a third party counts -- it does not -- but on what constitutes a third party.
As a general rule, you are correct: Your friend cannot buy a gift for someone else, and, simply by naming you as the recipient, transfer the obligation to yourself. Pleasant as it may be to you when your daughter receives a thoughtful wedding gift from your friend, it is your daughter who will have to write the thank-you note, because she is in possession of the goods. For the same reason, people who try to pass off charitable donations as gifts should not expect gratitude -- at least not from the empty-handed bride.
But cats, like babies, are not considered wholly independent actors. For this reason, they are exempted from writing thank-you notes. Also because they cannot spell.
Although she agrees that such presents should be the exception, rather than the norm, Miss Manners would let pass the one you describe, assuming that your friend knew how close you are to your cat -- and therefore was reasonable in presuming that the attention would be welcome.
Miss Manners for April 10, 2019
DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the proper etiquette for attendance at a wake or funeral for someone you do not like, or had a "falling out with" years ago with no chance of recovering the friendship?
I have faced this twice: Once was an ex-boss, the other, an ex-friend. I feel that it looked bad or was deemed unprofessional that I did not attend a four-hour celebration of life that co-workers attended. In the other case, I believed my attendance was hypocritical for both the dead and their family. These instances happened years ago, yet I carry the question.
GENTLE READER: Funerals are not the time to re-litigate past differences, and not only because it would be a one-sided debate: Expressions of satisfaction, even ones you believe to be muted, tend to be ill-received by those who are there to mourn.
Trusting that you can maintain a properly respectful tone, Miss Manners excuses you from attending the funeral only if your disagreement was strong enough that it precluded a civil meeting while you were both alive. In any other case, normal rules should apply, namely that one attends the funeral of those with whom one had a relationship, professional or otherwise.
Miss Manners for April 10, 2019
(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)