(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)
Does Common Courtesy Extend to Inanimate Drivers?
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was always taught that when a car stops to let you cross the street, you should give a quick wave as you pass to thank the driver for their courtesy. I now live in a city with a number of self-driving cars, and I don't know whether to wave to them or not.
Though I am causing the passengers some small inconvenience, the car is the one actually making the decision to stop. I've been defaulting to waving so far, but the time is fast approaching when there will be cars without any people in them. Do I wave to the robots even if it feels a bit silly?
GENTLE READER: Technically, you shouldn't have to, and Miss Manners agrees that it is colossally silly to anthropomorphize technology.
And yet. And yet.
She is weaseling because this has become a common phenomenon, even a requirement in using various devices that have names and respond to voice commands. As they do not require courtesy, they are getting people in the habit of omitting the phrases with which we soften our speech. Surely an occasional feeling of silliness is better than the habit of rudeness.
Miss Manners for February 19, 2019
DEAR MISS MANNERS: How do I let my handful of sisters know that I love them without having to reply and acknowledge every "I love my sisters" post?
I come from a big family, and am super close to my brothers, and not so much my sisters, but I do love them. Individually, my sisters will often post something about sisters and how much they love each other. Others in the family will chime in that they love their sisters and all of us in the group.
I have personal rules about how I use social media. Yet, if I don't participate, I am afraid that they will think I DON'T love them. That has been argued when a sister wanted me to go against my rules about not forwarding/re-posting things.
GENTLE READER: This does sound a bit forced and tedious, Miss Manners agrees. But given the choice between typing three words and dealing with pouting relatives, surely the former is less trouble.
Miss Manners for February 19, 2019
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I always bring a little something with me when I am invited over, either something generic like flowers or homemade bread, or something specific like wine or cigars if I know someone's tastes.
But in this day and age, it seems odd to refer to these things as "hostess gifts."
Some of my friends are single gentlemen who live alone. Some are partnered gentlemen couples. And among my partnered opposite sex friends are two couples where the male member is the one who excels at party planning and entertaining.
Is there a more gender-neutral name for this token of appreciation for hospitality? "Host gift" doesn't roll off the tongue in quite the same way.
GENTLE READER: Why would you roll out any such term? Miss Manners hopes you haven't been telling ladies, "Here, I brought you a hostess gift," thus making it sound as if you are paying a tax. Just hand it to the person who is entertaining you.
Head Off Cheating With a New Team Rule
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been a member of a pub trivia team for several years. (The gist of the game is that the questions are read aloud to the room, each team is given 2 to 3 minutes to write down and submit an answer, the answer is announced, and points are assigned based on team response. Highest points at the end of the evening results in a nominal gift to that team.)
One of the other members has invited a new person, Ernie, to join our team. He is quite pleasant and fun. The only problem is that he cheats.
Mind you, I cannot prove he cheats, but when we are presented with a question to which we do not know the answer, he conveniently leaves to "answer a phone call" or "go to the restroom," and when he returns to the table, miraculously, he knows the answer. This bothers me to the extreme. No one else on the team seems to notice or care.
My response has been to simply become unavailable on game night. I am now getting calls and emails from the other team members saying my presence is missed and when will I be returning? I do miss playing, but sitting at the table with a suspected cheater makes me miserable.
GENTLE READER: Cheating, even at amateur games, is such a serious offense that accusing someone of cheating is apt to end in a duel. Miss Manners is not surprised that you want to escape before introducing violence into your friendly game.
What you can do instead is to suggest a new rule: that absence from any one round bars you from that round. Ernie is not going to want to call attention to himself by objecting.
Miss Manners for February 18, 2019
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am really excited about an upcoming event, and am trying to solve all possible problems ahead of time. Yesterday, two people asked me (over email) to stop sending them so many emails.
Should I write back and say, "OK, I will try not to send so many emails"? It seems annoying and contradictory to write back; however, I feel like I should respond when people email me, and I don't want to seem angry.
GENTLE READER: And you could send one after that, saying, "I hope you got my email about not sending so many emails." But only if you don't care if they attend the event.
Miss Manners for February 18, 2019
DEAR MISS MANNERS: Would it be appropriate to offer my cousin's daughter who is getting married the cost of our trip to her wedding ($1,000) instead of our attending the wedding?
Cousin and I are fairly close. He does not have many family members left in this world. I do not want to make an offer that is inappropriate.
GENTLE READER: Then do not suggest to your cousin that money would mean more to her than the presence of one of her few family members left. The only thing that Miss Manners would consider worse would be if she seemed pleased.
Miss Manners for February 18, 2019
(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)
Unusual Marriage Status Will Keep Hosts Guessing
DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I have been separated -- living in the same house but in separate bedrooms -- for 18 years. My friend invited us to her home overnight. Do I ask her if she has two beds in one guest room?
GENTLE READER: This scenario plants an indelible image where none was warranted. If you don't mind your hosts' being kept awake wondering how this works, Miss Manners supposes you could say, "We would both love to join you, but we are currently separated. We get along perfectly well, but I wanted to let you know ..." But you could also just ask if it is possible to have two beds.
Miss Manners for February 16, 2019
DEAR MISS MANNERS: When my partner and I celebrated a 25th anniversary, we had a reservation at a local restaurant known for white-tablecloth dining. Not stratospherically expensive, but not cheap.
Quite late in the afternoon of our "day," our best friends called, wanting to have dinner together. We were willing to share our day with them, and extended an invitation to join us, adjusting our reservation, although we had the understanding that we were each paying our own way. (Our friends are notably "frugal.") Since the establishment we had booked had extended us an anniversary discount, we arranged to share that discount with them.
Our reservation was for 6 p.m. However, the establishment's "happy hour" ended at 6. Our friends wanted to meet at 5:30 to take advantage of less-expensive drinks, so we arranged to meet early in the bar.
To our surprise, when we arrived and were greeted by the owner, he had already seated our friends at a table, but not at our usual table with our favored waitress. They had already ordered drinks and were contemplating a second round.
I was always of the impression that guests should not take the table at a restaurant until their hosts/hostesses had arrived. I was a bit taken aback, even more so when the evening proceeded and we heard not a word of congratulations from our guests on our anniversary. (And we picked up the added tab for dessert and coffee.)
Was I wrong to feel slighted? Is it OK now to hijack a host's reservation and have yourself seated and served before your host arrives? By the way, we did arrive on time as agreed.
GENTLE READER: Noted. As you seem to want to tally points, Miss Manners will give you this last one.
It otherwise seems clear to her that you did not, in fact, want to share "your day" with your friends and could have easily politely declined -- especially given the late notice. Because their transgressions are minor, but your resentment is fierce.
Restaurants are not the same as private homes. It is entirely possible that your friends just got there early and since the owner himself offered them a table, they took it, rather than offending him or risking losing another one. That they should have sat there waiting for you after likely being offered drinks multiple times seems unreasonable. But you are correct that they could have issued best wishes on your anniversary. You may put that in your points column as well.
Miss Manners for February 16, 2019
(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)