(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)
Head Off Cheating With a New Team Rule
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been a member of a pub trivia team for several years. (The gist of the game is that the questions are read aloud to the room, each team is given 2 to 3 minutes to write down and submit an answer, the answer is announced, and points are assigned based on team response. Highest points at the end of the evening results in a nominal gift to that team.)
One of the other members has invited a new person, Ernie, to join our team. He is quite pleasant and fun. The only problem is that he cheats.
Mind you, I cannot prove he cheats, but when we are presented with a question to which we do not know the answer, he conveniently leaves to "answer a phone call" or "go to the restroom," and when he returns to the table, miraculously, he knows the answer. This bothers me to the extreme. No one else on the team seems to notice or care.
My response has been to simply become unavailable on game night. I am now getting calls and emails from the other team members saying my presence is missed and when will I be returning? I do miss playing, but sitting at the table with a suspected cheater makes me miserable.
GENTLE READER: Cheating, even at amateur games, is such a serious offense that accusing someone of cheating is apt to end in a duel. Miss Manners is not surprised that you want to escape before introducing violence into your friendly game.
What you can do instead is to suggest a new rule: that absence from any one round bars you from that round. Ernie is not going to want to call attention to himself by objecting.
Miss Manners for February 18, 2019
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am really excited about an upcoming event, and am trying to solve all possible problems ahead of time. Yesterday, two people asked me (over email) to stop sending them so many emails.
Should I write back and say, "OK, I will try not to send so many emails"? It seems annoying and contradictory to write back; however, I feel like I should respond when people email me, and I don't want to seem angry.
GENTLE READER: And you could send one after that, saying, "I hope you got my email about not sending so many emails." But only if you don't care if they attend the event.
Miss Manners for February 18, 2019
DEAR MISS MANNERS: Would it be appropriate to offer my cousin's daughter who is getting married the cost of our trip to her wedding ($1,000) instead of our attending the wedding?
Cousin and I are fairly close. He does not have many family members left in this world. I do not want to make an offer that is inappropriate.
GENTLE READER: Then do not suggest to your cousin that money would mean more to her than the presence of one of her few family members left. The only thing that Miss Manners would consider worse would be if she seemed pleased.
Unusual Marriage Status Will Keep Hosts Guessing
DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I have been separated -- living in the same house but in separate bedrooms -- for 18 years. My friend invited us to her home overnight. Do I ask her if she has two beds in one guest room?
GENTLE READER: This scenario plants an indelible image where none was warranted. If you don't mind your hosts' being kept awake wondering how this works, Miss Manners supposes you could say, "We would both love to join you, but we are currently separated. We get along perfectly well, but I wanted to let you know ..." But you could also just ask if it is possible to have two beds.
Miss Manners for February 16, 2019
DEAR MISS MANNERS: When my partner and I celebrated a 25th anniversary, we had a reservation at a local restaurant known for white-tablecloth dining. Not stratospherically expensive, but not cheap.
Quite late in the afternoon of our "day," our best friends called, wanting to have dinner together. We were willing to share our day with them, and extended an invitation to join us, adjusting our reservation, although we had the understanding that we were each paying our own way. (Our friends are notably "frugal.") Since the establishment we had booked had extended us an anniversary discount, we arranged to share that discount with them.
Our reservation was for 6 p.m. However, the establishment's "happy hour" ended at 6. Our friends wanted to meet at 5:30 to take advantage of less-expensive drinks, so we arranged to meet early in the bar.
To our surprise, when we arrived and were greeted by the owner, he had already seated our friends at a table, but not at our usual table with our favored waitress. They had already ordered drinks and were contemplating a second round.
I was always of the impression that guests should not take the table at a restaurant until their hosts/hostesses had arrived. I was a bit taken aback, even more so when the evening proceeded and we heard not a word of congratulations from our guests on our anniversary. (And we picked up the added tab for dessert and coffee.)
Was I wrong to feel slighted? Is it OK now to hijack a host's reservation and have yourself seated and served before your host arrives? By the way, we did arrive on time as agreed.
GENTLE READER: Noted. As you seem to want to tally points, Miss Manners will give you this last one.
It otherwise seems clear to her that you did not, in fact, want to share "your day" with your friends and could have easily politely declined -- especially given the late notice. Because their transgressions are minor, but your resentment is fierce.
Restaurants are not the same as private homes. It is entirely possible that your friends just got there early and since the owner himself offered them a table, they took it, rather than offending him or risking losing another one. That they should have sat there waiting for you after likely being offered drinks multiple times seems unreasonable. But you are correct that they could have issued best wishes on your anniversary. You may put that in your points column as well.
Miss Manners for February 16, 2019
(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)
Serve the Cherry-Picking Guest Yourself
DEAR MISS MANNERS: My friends and I frequently have dinners where we take turns cooking. One of the members of our circle will cherry-pick and take the "best" parts of a shared dish.
The other night, I made a casserole, and she took just the baked cheesy top layer and left the bottom portion. If someone makes a beef or shrimp stir-fry, she will invariably pick out just the beef or shrimp and leave the veggies. This may sometimes leave others with less complete portions or servings for their own plates.
Is there a polite way I can bring this up? We're all very close friends, but she can be sensitive to criticism, and I don't want to say something that might hurt her feelings if I'm the one that's being overly sensitive.
GENTLE READER: Stop asking your guests to serve themselves. Arrange their plates in the kitchen -- or at a buffet table nearby if they want to make requests for light meat or dark. But this comes with a warning: No fair complaining in the kitchen about any food your guests leave untouched.
Miss Manners for February 15, 2019
DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I were invited to his cousin's wedding in a town 670 miles from our home. I was not even aware of the existence of this cousin prior to receiving the invitation, but we will be attending the wedding since my husband feels it is important.
Imagine my surprise then when I also received an invitation to the cousin's bridal shower. Since I had no desire to travel 670 miles in order to deliver a gift to a complete stranger, I RSVP'd my regrets regarding the shower.
Weeks later, I learned that my mother-in-law took it upon herself to send a gift to the bridal shower and signed my name to the card! What am I to make of this?
I have no idea what the gift even contained. I feel very awkward knowing a stranger, distantly related only through marriage, received a gift (possibly of questionable taste), which she attributes to me. When I finally do meet this mystery bride at her impending nuptials, am I to acknowledge the shower present, sent without my knowledge? If she brings it up, what am I to say? Should I tell my mother-in-law I wish she hadn't done that?
GENTLE READER: A mother-in-law giving you credit for a present you didn't have to buy? A distant relative having the audacity to include you in her wedding? Miss Manners is scrambling to find a true offense here.
Families and in-laws are fractured enough without looking for a fight. If you truly fear a tasteless present, you may tell the bride when you see her, "My mother-in-law was kind enough to sign our names to the present she brought for the shower. I am so sorry that I could not attend." But do not apologize for the present itself. For all you know, the bride could have registered for that saucy thing herself.
Miss Manners for February 15, 2019
(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)