DEAR MISS MANNERS: A distant cousin invited my entire branch of the family to his wedding, except for me. I assume this to be an innocent mistake, because we don’t have enough of a relationship for him to have a grudge against me. Since I wouldn’t have been able to travel to the wedding destination on the weekend in question, I didn’t see any reason to try to correct the mistake.
At the wedding, my grandmother figured out that I hadn’t been invited and made a snarky comment to the mother of the groom. A few days later, my cousin and his mother angrily asked me why I didn’t tell them about the missing invitation, insisting that they had intended to invite me all along.
I was taken aback by this confrontation and apologized immediately, but the apology leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Did I owe them an apology? If not, how could I have responded gracefully?
GENTLE READER: Your cousin’s behavior does not pass Miss Manners’ sniff test.
It is ridiculous to expect the supposed recipient to report the absence of an unheralded invitation. Rather than apologizing, you might reasonably have asked how you were supposed to know it had been sent.
But the bigger giveaway is their response. People whose mail goes astray may get angry at the postal service, but not at the would-be recipient. And they turn apologetic, rather than demanding apologies.