(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)
The Time to Judge a Guest's Drunkenness Is as He Heads Out the Door
DEAR MISS MANNERS: When having guests over for dinner, I am unable to find a gracious way to refuse alcohol to those who will be driving. I generally don’t give it as an option when asking what they would like to drink, but they often request a glass of wine nonetheless.
It’s not that I associate with lushes and felons, but I personally would prefer not to serve any alcohol to a designated driver.
GENTLE READER: One need not have lost a friend to a drunk-driving accident to have an appreciation for the possible consequences of sending guests home intoxicated. But your question -- how to prevent the worst from happening without being rude -- is a reasonable one.
Those who have lost someone close may protest that manners are irrelevant. To them, Miss Manners, who believes that manners are always relevant, points out that a polite solution is more likely to be effective -- not just today but in the future -- in which you have not, through abandoning manners, lost a friendship.
What you cannot do is to offer alcohol to some guests and not others. It is both rude and, as you have discovered, ineffective. Rude, because you are publicly questioning a guest’s judgment before he has done anything wrong. Ineffective, because your guest is likely to take offense, which may make him less amenable to guidance now and socializing in future.
The time to assess the situation is when the guest is preparing to walk out the door. If you are uncertain of a departing guest’s condition, ask, “Are you OK to drive?” Follow up on an answer that is positive but does not allay your concerns. Someone who is visibly impaired has forfeited the right to be treated as a sober adult. You can appeal to any accompanying person, call a cab, confiscate keys -- or all three.
Miss Manners acknowledges that this solution does not address the drinking itself, which is why, if that is your real concern, she offers a second solution: Don’t serve alcohol to any of your guests. Should they request it, you should mention that you don’t have any, and suggest other drinks.
Miss Manners for October 10, 2019
DEAR MISS MANNERS: We were invited to my boss's for dinner and cards ("Bring your appetite, we're serving our special"). When we arrived, we were greeted with, "We're just getting through; get yourselves a drink and we'll be right in."
We did bring our appetites and were painfully starving as we exchanged perplexed glances. Upon leaving, we thanked them for a wonderful evening and, needless to say, drove to the nearest restaurant. Did our hosts really forget that they asked us to dinner? What would others have done in this situation?
GENTLE READER: It seems odd to Miss Manners, as well. Are we sure that everyone's good manners are not hiding a more fundamental miscommunication, such as a confusion about arrival time?
If so, your being too polite to ask, "Where's the food?" and your host being too polite to ask, "Where were you?" leaves everyone perplexed, if not insulted.
In the circumstances described, the answer to "We're just getting through" is, "Oh my goodness, I'm so sorry: Are we late? We thought we were supposed to arrive at 8."
Turn Probing Comments Into a Teaching Moment
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a young man in my 20s, and I am currently attending university and working as a teaching assistant while I get my master's degree.
I am very small-framed and soft-spoken, and appearance-wise, I look to be about 16. As a result, when I am on campus or in an adult-dominated environment, I am often mistaken for a woman, even though I dress and behave like a fairly typical male.
When students and classmates refer to me as a woman, and I inform them that I am male, I am sometimes met with, "I know someone who has gone through the sex-change surgery, too." Or they ask me, "Are you having surgery to construct a penis?"
My friends have told me to respond with "It's none of your business," but I feel like this implies that I am in fact having a surgery to change sex, and it would stir rumors.
I completely accept people who do undergo sex reassignment, but I believe it is rude for others to make assumptions about another person's circumstances.
Some friends encourage me to be hostile. I do not want to be hostile to my students, and I know that they are just trying to be open-minded and supportive. How can I politely, but firmly, respond to questions and assumptions like these?
GENTLE READER: Being the instructor has some advantages, one of them being the ability to instruct others without being thought rude.
Your assumption that they mean well is gracious and perhaps correct. But if those trying to advance the cause of gender tolerance can agree on nothing else, they generally acknowledge that one of the things they are fighting to overcome is people making incorrect and unwelcome assumptions.
"If you are interested in the gender identity question," you can answer, "this is a really good lesson. I was born, and live as, male. It is dangerous to make an incorrect assumption based on appearance."
This may change their behavior in the future. And it will give you a brief respite while they absorb the news, which, if you do not want a longer conversation on the subject, is a good time to slip away.
Miss Manners for October 09, 2019
DEAR MISS MANNERS: In the past few years, I have received invitations to various events stating the dress should be "California casual," "European casual" or my personal favorite, "smart casual"!
Judging from the wide variations in the way that people have dressed at these events, I am guessing that I am not alone in my confusion. Would you be so kind as to define these terms?
GENTLE READER: Your hosts would likely say the word or words added to a more-or-less well-understood term are there to inspire your imagination. What they likely mean is that there should be a conversation starter to justify your choice.
Miss Manners thinks they are a waste of time and ink. Casual is casual. Consider yourself fortunate that none of your hosts' additions are contradictory, as in "business casual." Although she would not recommend issuing it as an instruction, she has seen ensembles that can only be described -- and not in a complimentary way -- as “casual formal.”
Miss Manners for October 09, 2019
(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)
Gift From the Heart Should Be Accepted With Grace
DEAR MISS MANNERS: My in-laws spent a week at our home, and when they were leaving, they gave us a thank-you card with a very thoughtful message, but which also included a $200 gift card.
My reaction at first was that it was minimizing our hospitality by being excessive. But then, after declining the gift card twice, I realized that it was a gift from their heart, and I should accept it as they had also accepted my hospitality.
Giving and receiving are two sides of the same coin -- if given from the heart. Aren’t they?
GENTLE READER: Yes, if you are sure that is so. As you believe in your in-laws’ good will, and have read their kind message, Miss Manners will take your word for their warm intentions.
But she knows why you hesitated to accept. Had they given you an actual present of any kind, you would have shown immediate gratitude. Their awkward gesture of handing you the equivalent of money as they left, as if paying a hotel bill, could seem cold and even insulting.
But motivation counts, and you know they meant well, so you were right first to protest, but then to accept in the spirit in which it was intended.
Miss Manners for October 08, 2019
DEAR MISS MANNERS: My good silver set does not include a place setting for dessert. A dessert fork and spoon were never made for it.
I wonder, for a meal including a salad course and dessert, how is this problem to be solved? The salad fork cannot be placed above the plate with a place spoon, as it is needed for the salad course. The dinner fork, of course, has its function.
I realize some may consider this an arcane and asinine dilemma, but it has been bothering me for a good while now.
GENTLE READER: Now, now, that is perfectly understandable -- at least to Miss Manners.
Luckily for you, dessert services are not required to match the rest of the flatware used for a dinner. Also in your favor, although sad: Silver is in declining use, so you should be able to pick up a vintage dessert service cheaply online.
Miss Manners for October 08, 2019
DEAR MISS MANNERS: My wife is part of a large group of friends, and lately, when this group throws a party, the person organizing the party includes a request that attendees wear a specific color.
If you are a participant in a wedding, I understand the desire that folks be attired in matching colors, but now these ladies in the group are telling guests they have to wear clothes of a specific color. Is this some new requirement that I have not heard of, or are these requests getting out of line?
GENTLE READER: While this sounds as silly to Miss Manners as it does to you, she notes that neither of us is a member of this group. If your wife and her friends want to maintain wardrobes in multiple colors to attend occasional little costume parties, it is not our business to interfere. And if it is your wife who objects, she should open a discussion with the group.
Miss Manners for October 08, 2019
(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)