DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have grown increasingly frustrated with the need to decipher the time of social invitations. There was a party announced with an 8 p.m. start time, but knowing the host and the guests, I arrived at 9:30 and was still the first to arrive by a long margin.
Sometimes these parties happen in certain minority communities, and this behavior is excused with some self-effacing joke, claiming, “It’s just how we are, we always show up late.” If I am looking forward to the event, I find it very frustrating to sit at home, waiting for the right time to leave so that I’ll arrive at the expected lateness.
Is there an acceptable way to ask a host to be frank about the hour they expect guests to arrive? Is there an acceptable way for a host to say that we would like to start the celebration at a particular time, with all guests present if at all possible?
GENTLE READER: This is an area where a lack of shared custom harms everyone, as most guests do not want to arrive early (or late) and most hosts prefer not to answer the door in their bathrobes.
These days, Miss Manners leans towards the simplest rule: namely, that guests should arrive near the stated time. This will not, unfortunately, solve your specific problem, which must be handled host by host, and perhaps party by party.
If you are in doubt about the expected time, call the host and, in the course of the conversation, ask what time he expects the other guests to arrive. This may not be the same time that the host would like them to be there, but it will save you from having to help set the table and put out the potato chips.
(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)