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Miss Manners by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin

Wrong Gender Name on Invitation May Be Misguided Ignorance

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I received a wedding invitation from a girl I was close friends with in junior high. My issue is that I'm transgender, and they know this, but they addressed the invitation to my former name.

For this wedding, you are supposed to RSVP online. I don't want to be rude by not responding, but I simply cannot select my old name on their website, not only in terms of the emotional cost, but in principle as well because I have come too far to take that step backward.

We live in a small town, so we occasionally run into each other or family members, but it's been years since we've been close, so I don't have her contact information anymore to reach out in person and let her know I won't be able to attend.

Should I just forget about it, or try to contact her through a family member? I won't feel too guilty, since she was the one impolite enough to use a name that doesn't belong to me anymore, but still, I'd rather take the high road. I just don't know which way that is.

GENTLE READER: Do try to procure her contact information. Write her a short, kind note saying that you appreciate the invitation, but that you are unable to attend. And sign your current name.

While your friend may be aware of the change and should have respected it, it is possible that she also just did not know how to reconcile your new life with the friend she knew in junior high. Or that she had an old list. Anyone who changes a name, or even just tries to drop a childhood nickname, finds that it takes time.

So give her the benefit of the doubt and, as you said, take the high road. While it may be tedious to presume misguided, rather than purposeful, ignorance, it will likely do much more to educate this girl and her family than not. Miss Manners feels certain that if the girl cannot figure out from whom the note came, she will quickly take pains to do so -- and likely not make the mistake of using the wrong name again.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

Read more in: Etiquette & Ethics | Marriage & Divorce | Sex & Gender