DEAR MISS MANNERS: When you write a sympathy card to someone relating that you were sad to learn that they lost their Mother, is it proper to capitalize Mother? Even though it is not a grammar requirement, I have always thought to do this. We are wondering about this at my work.
GENTLE READER: Given the context, Miss Manners infers that you believe capitalizing increases the deference, importance or respect being accorded to the deceased.
The problem is that she, like the addressee, can only guess at your intention. To be intelligible, conventions must be generally understood. They do change: In an email-driven world, everyone now understands that full capitalization means a raised voice, usually in anger. But if you and your co-workers cannot decide the difference between mother and Mother, it is unlikely that the bereaved will understand.
(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)