DEAR MISS MANNERS: At an outing, I verbally invited a friend to a Fourth of July party to which I already had invited several other people. She accepted but asked to bring the two teenage sons of her ex-husband, as he was busy that day.
I responded that I did not have enough chairs/space to accommodate three more people. She said then she was going to plan some other activity with the boys.
A week later, she told me that I had behaved in an unacceptable fashion, and she wished to sever contact for the foreseeable future.
Was I completely unreasonable? It was not the nicest thing to do, I realize, but space was really the issue.
GENTLE READER: Isn't there a more basic issue here? One that Miss Manners fears that you are too diffident to mention?
It is that you are the hostess: It is your party, and you get to set the guest list. And while you may wish to be flexible, you do not have to be defensive about your limits. It is enough to say that you are so sorry not to be able to meet their proposed extras on this occasion, but hope that some other time will present itself. (In this case, that would have been spreading graciousness over your friend's obvious motive of keeping the teenagers occupied, rather than adding interesting people to your party.)
The proper way for a prospective guest to ask to bring someone is to decline the invitation on the grounds of having to entertain her or his own guest. That gives the host the choice of inviting that person, or simply expressing regret that the invitation was declined.
(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)