DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a waiter in a casual brunch-and-dinner restaurant. On a couple of occasions, patrons have left payment for their bill as well as their phone numbers.
My wife thinks this is an indication that I am being overly friendly to these women. Before you ask, yes, I always wear my wedding band. How can I convince my wife that I am not encouraging these advances?
GENTLE READER: Have you tried not announcing these events to her?
Miss Manners is not advocating your keeping secrets from your wife. It was the way you told her that aroused that lady's suspicions. Had you said, "I don't understand why some customers leave their telephone numbers when they're not paying by check -- and oddly enough, it is always women," your wife would have hugged you, saying, "Oh, you poor innocent dear."
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I understand that it is correct to respond to an invitation by the same means as the invitation was issued -- to wit: by telephone to a telephoned invitation; by e-mail to an e-mail invitation; by paper and pen to a mailed invitation.
But what is the protocol for responding to a mailed invitation that instructs recipients to reply by e-mail to a Web site?
My husband and I recently received such an invitation to a political consciousness/fund-raising gathering sponsored by long-time acquaintances at their home. Immediately, as soon as I opened the mail and realized that we would not be able to attend (nor really care to), I replied by e-mail to the Web site address specified for responses.
Still, I had a faint, nagging sense that I should also reply with pen and paper by mail. That seemed a bit much, particularly since I had followed instructions and, also, because it was a politically focused fund-raiser, not a personal social occasion.
I could have, eventually, put the matter out of my mind, except that the day before the event, one of the hosts telephoned me and inquired if we had received the invitation. I assured him that we had, and, in fact, had regretfully declined via e-mail on the very day it had arrived. I felt badly that he had not received our response but, in the end, felt that the fault lay -- at least partially -- with the Web site.
We do like these people, have known them for years, and want to maintain a friendly relationship.
GENTLE READER: Of course you may follow instructions to reply by e-mail and leave it at that. Your real question, Miss Manners suspects, is how you can convince your friends that you are not one of those etiquette-derelicts who fails to respond and then lies about having done so.
Let us hope that you have already accomplished this. Your word, backed by a history with these people during which you have presumably always answered their invitations, should be enough.
Written responses may be lost in the mail, telephone messages may be inadvertently erased, and e-mail may be caught in a spam filter -- but just not as often as people claim.
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