DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am living with a gentleman who was separated from his wife for about a year and a half before we got involved. They are in the process of getting a divorce, which should be final at the end of next season. We have been together for a year.
He says that he wants to marry me, but that he cannot possibly ask me until after their divorce is final, because it would not be proper.
I believe that it is no less proper than him living with me, which he says might be proper, depending on whose rules you live by. He doesn't think there is anything wrong with it.
Under the circumstances, is it improper for us to become engaged? I am worried that he is putting me off.
GENTLE READER: It seems that the rules he lives by are that extramarital arrangements do not count: One is either married or one is not, and a married person cannot contract a marriage with someone else.
Miss Manners recognizes these rules, which dominated society back when... Did you think she was going to say when lovers were more patient? No -- when they were more discreet.
You have a point, in that your living arrangement -- and for that matter, society in general -- has done away with discretion. Still, it does seem an extra affront to the wife's dignity to have her legal husband publicly celebrating an engagement to someone else.
Surely it is a tiny concession to make to her, and for that matter, his own feelings. Your worry about whether he intends to marry you will not be resolved by nudging him to violate these feelings.
If you want the answer to that, you could declare a new recognition of propriety, move out, and see how he takes it. Or you could spare him the drama and yourself the moving costs by being patient for another season, after which he will either propose to you or not.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I departed a hotel after midnight and walked to an elevator to go to the parking garage. The area near the elevator was deserted except for a woman who was a stranger. The garage itself was undoubtedly deserted too.
I made some small talk to attempt to put her at ease and she was positively responsive. Then when we entered the elevator she pressed the button for the same deck where my car was parked. When I didn't press a button I noticed a hint of alarm in her eyes. I began to wonder what would happen if our cars were parked in the same area and it appeared that I was following her.
Normally I always step aside and let a lady pass through a door before me. But in this case, I exited first, wished her a pleasant night, and walked ahead of her toward my car. I now wonder if I panicked and assumed too much.
GENTLE READER: Whether you were correct in assuming that the two cars might be parked near each other, or even in assuming that the lady was alarmed, Miss Manners cannot say. But it was astute and correct of you to assume that the formality of allowing the lady to exit first was trumped by the thoughtfulness of not appearing to be dangerous.
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