DEAR MISS MANNERS: I received a dinner invitation from a notable hostess who told me whom she had invited, and, looking forward to relaxation and pleasant conversation, I accepted. The quality of her dinners is legendary.
On the appointed evening, everything went wonderfully until minutes before the meal was to be served, when several uninvited guests showed up outside the hostess' door.
These last-minute arrivals are not precisely ax murderers, but they are very nearly the last people on earth with whom I'd choose to spend an evening; if Madame Hostess had made me aware that they were going to put in an appearance, I would have politely declined her invitation.
They are relatives of the hostess, who felt that her kinship with them compelled her to open her door to them and invite them to join her at the dinner. From the point of view of the invited guests, the dinner was ruined; the gate crashers made themselves quite at home and ended up spending the night, so it wasn't as if the invitees merely had to be patient for a couple of hours to achieve the dinner to which they thought they had been invited.
I appreciate her family loyalty, Miss Manners, and recognize that she is entitled to open her door to whomever she wishes. But doesn't etiquette require some sort of Truth-in-Invitations? How can one feel comfortable in accepting invitations if the guests and atmosphere are subject to change between receiving the invitation and the event itself?
Were the disappointed guests churlish to resent these last-minute interlopers?
GENTLE READER: They certainly don't seem kindly disposed toward their hostess.
Miss Manners begs you to remember that this was an offer of hospitality, not a business proposition. Although the hostess told you whom she was expecting, she was under no obligation to do so. Time, place, dress and type of party (Will a meal be served? Are you expected to play charades?) are the only required clues.
You are supposed to trust her to put together a pleasant guest list -- and, incidentally, to want to attend for the sake of being with her.
If you don't like or trust her enough to take your chance, why didn't you decline? But since you accepted, why don't you like her enough to sympathize with her dilemma and trust that she handled it as best she could?
DEAR MISS MANNERS: Today we received the following admonition in our office e-mail. The gentlemen who sent it is new to his supervisory position in our office and was transferred to his new position from a former post in computer services. "Please do not send any e-mails in all capitol letters. This is very rude and unprofessional. Much like we don't allow yelling in the office, we should not be yelling in our e-mails."
Aside from the misspelling of "capital," is this statement true? Not that any one would type in capital letters, but if she did, is it truly seen as yelling, rude and unprofessional?
GENTLE READER: Well, as a matter of fact, YES, IT DOES. (You see? And do forgive Miss Manners for dramatizing the point.)
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