DEAR MISS MANNERS: I'm a bit unsure how to respond to strange men who greet me on the street. (I work in an area where this is common.)
I feel rude ignoring a friendly greeting, yet I can't help but notice that this does not happen when I am in the company of others, nor do these apparently very outgoing folks seem to greet single men. Usually I smile weakly and hurry by. Do you have any better advice?
GENTLE READER- Yes: Don't smile weakly.
This society is in dire need of a clear understanding of the word "friendly." Miss Manners notices that nowadays it is mostly used to describe meager service at impersonal institutions or unwelcome liberties administered by strangers.
"I was only trying to be friendly" is the argument by which the intrusive make their hapless targets feel that they are the ones who have transgressed. It is not only predators who ogle lone females but grabbers who administer hugs on anyone they have diagnosed as being in emotional need; busybodies who probe for personal information, critics who offer unsolicited assessments and advice, and all those who address adults they have never met before (or, as in the case of telephone solicitors, whom they never will meet) by their first names or nicknames.
Are these people actually friends? Are they promising candidates for friendship?
No, but the fear that failing to respond would be rude works, as it did on you, because we Americans pride ourselves on being a friendly people. In a mobile society, as in the frontier circumstances that preceded it, it is pleasant and necessary to be open to new friendships.
However, this does not mean that we have surrendered the privilege of choosing our friends. If your greeters were simply full of harmless good cheer, why would they ignore you when you happen to be accompanied by, say a big burly gentleman? Unless you consider that rude, you should realize that you may also ignore them without being rude.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: We will be traveling to attend a wedding of a relative. The wedding is on a Saturday, and we will be driving down on Friday and having to pay for a hotel for two nights. What is the etiquette on our gift to them? We normally would give a gift of $100. The hotel will cost $150 per night. This is getting expensive. Because the kids are coming too, I almost feel that we should be giving them more, but it is already going to cost us probably $500 to travel.
GENTLE READER: Attending a wedding is not a business deal in which the guests and the hosts should calculate their expenses to come out even. Or, in the alas-too-common case of bridal couples today, come out ahead.
There is no fee by which guests reimburse their hosts for the cost of their food, let alone help pay for the wedding, the honeymoon and the happily-ever-after. Miss Manners knows this will come as a shock to all concerned, but sensible people are supposed to put on the weddings that they can afford, and select wedding presents that they can afford.
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