DEAR MISS MANNERS: My fiance has given me a very large diamond ring. It is beautiful, indeed, but I dislike the idea of wearing such a large stone for the rest of my life. I dislike the types of people who wear all of their jewelry at once for the sole purpose of showing it off.
I also work at a nonprofit that helps low-income families, so I can think of many occasions when it would be tacky for me, who is rather well off comparatively, to be waving my jewels around.
My mother told me that it is perfectly acceptable to wear only the wedding band, and the engagement ring at grander occasions when fancy jewelry would not be out of place, but everyone else I have told this to is horrified at the thought of ever taking the engagement ring off.
To make matters worse, I have offended my fiance with this business! Please tell me if I have indeed committed a terrible gaffe, or if it is all right for me not to wear my engagement ring daily after marriage.
GENTLE READER: Two gaffes, by Miss Manners' count, much as she values modesty:
1. Allowing your fiance to suspect that you found something wrong with the engagement ring he gave you.
2. Polling people (other than those supreme and discreet authorities, your mother and Miss Manners) on a personal aspect of your engagement.
It is important that you understand that an engagement ring has two properties: It is a piece of jewelry, and it is also a symbol. You were regarding it only as jewelry, while those whom you consulted were considering it only for its symbolism.
Engagement and wedding rings are exempt from rules limiting the wearing of jewelry, but there may be any number of reasons -- fear of its being lost or stolen, swollen knuckles, annoyance at forever snagging it on one's stockings - that someone who is blissfully happy in her marriage may nevertheless park her engagement ring in her jewelry box.
It is perfectly proper for a married lady not to wear her engagement ring until death allows it to be pried from her -- as long as she allows the gentleman who gave it to her to believe that she considers it too precious, not too gaudy.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it "still" in poor taste to "point" toward a group of people as you are seen whispering to someone else "about" them, even if it's at a funeral and even if all you're doing is pointing out different relatives to this person, telling them who is who.
GENTLE READER: Or you might be pointing out who done it.
This is not a rule that is going to be rescinded. The point (Miss Manners is trying to resist your habit of highlighting words with quotation marks) is that the targets can only know that you are talking about them, not what you are saying.
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