DEAR MISS MANNERS: I would like to know the protocol for dating a widower.
The circumstance is that I knew his wife, who passed on, and I am about 14 years younger than he is. It has been nearly a year since she died, but I believe that he and I could enjoy each others' company. He is a wonderful man, and I don't want to miss the boat in case others are looking his way.
GENTLE READER: You must also be aware, then, that such vessels are sometimes seriously overbooked, which has a tendency to buffet them about.
Miss Manners does not want to discourage you from checking to see whether there is room for you to board. She is only suggesting that you should know the drill in case you find it necessary to make a dignified departure.
And she will now disembark from this metaphor.
The protocol is that you can never be sure when, if ever, someone who has been widowed is susceptible to romance. Therefore, you should never make clear that you are embarking (whoops, sorry) on a courtship. What you can do at any stage of his bereavement is to commence a friendship in the hope that it will get warmer and warmer. And that, by the way, is the proper protocol for approaching any courtship.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: In our city, many of the jobs commonly described as "menial" are performed by Mexican and Latin American immigrants. When we dine out, the restaurant bus-people are invariably Latino. My husband has a habit of speaking to these workers in Spanish, although they always address him in English. For example, when the bus-person asks, "Are you finished with your plate?" my husband will respond, "Si, listo."
I believe that this is rude and condescending to the bus-people, because it appears he's assuming that they don't speak English. He believes he is being respectful, because many recent immigrants struggle with the language. I say that even the most recent immigrant has surely learned to understand "yes" and "no," and that the only reason to respond in another language to a question posed in English is when it's clear that the person doesn't understand an English response.
I guess it might be different if my husband were a native Spanish speaker himself, but while he does speak the language well, he learned it in high school.
GENTLE READER: Miss Manners has no objection to your husband's practicing his Spanish. What makes her uneasy is the way you both avoid admitting that this is what he is doing.
If anything is condescending, it is the notion that his choice of language is of emotional importance to someone who is obviously bilingual enough to handle the situation either way.
Rather than conferring a compliment or an insult, Miss Manners imagines that by speaking high school Spanish, your husband is providing the workers with a moment of innocent amusement.
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