DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it ever possible to suggest a change of clothes to a lady without impugning her character?
A certain lady and I who work at the same company had been noticing each other and finally agreed to meet outside of work. As it happened, the wedding of close friends was immediately upcoming, and my planned date had canceled due to illness. The lady in question and I agreed that the wedding would be a fun chance to get to know each other.
The wedding was the typical Saturday evening dinner/dance black tie thing, and I wore the standard dinner jacket get-up. When I arrived to pick up my friend (who, I should mention, dresses beautifully for work, on the chic side of proper business formal), I was startled to see her step off the elevator, looking radiant and very (let's face it) sexy, in a revealing red cocktail dress. I couldn't have been more eager to have such a lovely lady on my arm at just about any other social function, excepting the wedding of close friends.
I'm afraid my moment's hesitation in telling her how beautiful she looked was noticed and seemed to cast a pall over her attitude toward me the rest of the evening. Nonetheless, we had a nice time and, notwithstanding a few sly remarks from the bridesmaids, that was the end of it -- literally.
The lady is civil to me when we meet in the office, but she declined another date, and I can't help but think that my reaction to her attire is being held against me. I asked my friends their opinions, and it seems to break down along gender lines. My male friends think my noticing her dress, rather than what it revealed, probably indicates that I am gay. The ladies think I set myself up by asking a woman who was interested in me to a wedding among intimates -- that by definition, she was going to dress to compete. I don't think this speaks well for women in general.
Miss Manners, was I a cad? Your input is appreciated.
GENTLE READER: Maybe not; you might want to reserve judgment. Not about the dress. If you only hesitated before telling the lady that she looked beautiful, rather than registering any disapproval, you cannot be convicted of caddish behavior on that account. Inviting someone out does not entitle you to critique her clothes, but your thoughts are your own.
Nor does it entitle you to submit the lady to be critiqued by your friends. To the extent that she can make a guess as to what went wrong, Miss Manners would say that the lady had gotten wind of your doing this. Or maybe she just didn't like your dinner jacket.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: My wife's near-uncle (extremely close family friend), who lives in another state, just passed away.
This weekend is my niece's Bat Mitzvah. I have not been close to my brother recently, but my other brother, who I am very close with, is coming in from another state with his entire family to attend the affair. This last line may not even be relevant. Does my wife fly to attend the funeral or stay and attend the Bat Mitzvah?
GENTLE READER: The funeral. While Miss Manners appreciates the importance of the young lady's Bat Mitzvah, funerals do take precedence. It is true that one can only turn 13 once, but your niece will have other milestones in her life, while your wife's near-uncle will not.
As you do not seem to plan accompanying your wife, you should bring her abject apologies when you attend the Bat Mitzvah. It would be graceful of your wife to augment these with a letter of her own, explaining the circumstances and expressing her regret, along with her congratulations.
: