DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have fallen in love with my (married-with-children) dentist and don't know how to get out of this -- maybe transference? At my age, 53, I should know better. I am so upset with myself that I got blind-sided by this. I wish I were smarter or even a more virtuous person, but I'm not. I have lost 20 pounds, can't eat, can't sleep, and do not have an acceptable outlet for these feelings. I can barely keep my eyes off this man, much less consider anyone else. I need a competent dentist, but I cannot afford, financially or emotionally, to go back to this man. Have you any insight into this that would be helpful to me?
GENTLE READER: It is quite common to love your dentist if you have had toothache and the dentist made it go away. And people often have trouble eating after they have been to the dentist, although usually only for a few minutes until the numbness wears off.
That is about as much emotional insight as you are going to get from Miss Manners. Her concern is that people behave themselves even when renegade feelings prompt them to do otherwise. Smartness and virtue offer no protection against falling in love, but they are useful in preventing this state from inspiring behavior that is foolish.
So far, you seem to have managed to restrain yourself from leaping at your dentist while he has a drill in his hand, which is a very good idea all around. So is removing yourself from future temptation.
Therefore, Miss Manners' answer to your suggestion of "transference" is yes. Get your dental association to help you transfer your dental care, if not your affections, to another competent dentist.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I recently got married, which is wonderful, but now we are struggling with the name situation, which is not.
For a variety of reasons, my husband is taking my last name. Our friends and relatives want to know how we should be addressed: Mr. and Mrs. Maidenname? Mrs. and Mr. Maidenname? On formal invitations, should we be listed as Mr. and Mrs. Husband Maidenname?
It is all very confusing. I am tempted to go to medical school so that I can just use "Dr." and be done with it.
GENTLE READER: Medical school sounds like a good idea. Are we done now?
Miss Manners supposes not. There are those four years of studying to get through, and I didn't catch you in time to suggest postponing your marriage. So you have to choose between the old and new forms currently approved (by Miss Manners).
There is not much tradition on this issue, but there is some. In aristocratic families without sons, the son-in-law would sometimes take his wife's name so that their children would continue its usage. From then on, it would be treated no differently than if the wife had taken his name, so you would be Mr. and Mrs. Husband Maidenname.
Those who do not use the Mr. and Mrs. construction for one reason or another may use both their full names with honorifics, in which case you would be formally Ms. Brianna Maidenname and Mr. Zachery Maidenname -- until you finish medical school, when we will all feel better.
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