DEAR KRISTIN: I just received a huge promotion that will put me in a senior leadership position. I’m proud of myself -- I’ll be one of only two female executives in the company -- but I’m also terrified. I shared this fear with my closest girlfriend and her response was, “Where’s all this self-doubt coming from? You worked hard for this promotion and you deserve it more than anybody! There must be something deeper going on.”

Her reaction tells me that she doesn’t understand the nature of my fear, because I DO know I deserve this position! I also know I’m going to kick butt in this new job and will exceed even my own expectations, which are already high.

Now I’m disappointed (and a little angry) at my friend for not understanding my fear -- or for understanding me. I know better than anybody how hard I worked for this promotion. I suppose I just want permission to feel a healthy fear about this next step in my life without having somebody try to tie it to self-doubt or assuming that my fear is based on “something deeper going on.” What ever happened to fear being fear simply for fear’s sake? -- FEARFUL AND PROUD

DEAR PROUD:

First off, you’ve got to understand that your friend is not a mind-reader, and it’s unfair for you to expect her to be. If she’s off on her assessment of your fear, then just tell her so! But try not to sound defensive or snarky; remember that she’s sharing her reaction to your fear from a place of love.

Also, stop asking people for feedback if you’re not willing to receive it. You asked your friend for her reaction, and she gave it. Don’t carp about it once you get it. Nobody knows the depth and texture of your emotions better than you do; understand that her reaction is neither right nor wrong. It’s simply her reaction. It might not be what you wanted to hear, but you’ve got to work that part out yourself.

I agree with you, though, that a certain amount of fear is healthy as we approach a major life change. Fear -- as long as it’s not paralyzing and toxic -- can become an energizer, if we treat it with the respect it deserves. You must tamp down this fear when it grows too great, or transform it to something else entirely -- transform it into positive energy that propels you forward and strengthens your confidence.

You say you know that you’re up to the task required for this big new job. Hold on to that confidence. Lean in to it and let it work for you. It doesn’t sound like you’re doubting your capabilities but, rather, like you’re nervous about the newness, which is completely natural.

Give your friend a break and remind yourself that her mother didn’t give birth to a mind-reader. Your friend is only trying to calm you. Receive her loving efforts with gratitude.

Walk into your new office with the grace and the confidence that I know you have.

Go, girl, go.

DEAR KRISTIN: I live in a large home with several roommates. At first, we all got along beautifully, but after a few months the cracks in the armor began to appear. We’re all young professional women on our way up the career ladder, but it’s beginning to feel like an elementary school slumber party gone wrong. One roommate’s constantly swiping my food (“sneaking a few grapes right quick,” is how she describes it), and another has a bit of a drinking problem.

I can’t afford to live by myself and to be completely honest, I don’t WANT to live by myself ‘cause I’ll be lonely. I know this sounds like a sophomoric problem, but when you’re living it out in real time, it’s not so sophomoric at all. I’m kinda between a rock and a hard place. Any suggestions?

DEAR ROCK: You’ve got some boundaries to set, some decisions to make and some actions to take. First off, tell Miss Sticky Fingers to quit stealing your food. She might think of it as “sneaking a few grapes right quick,” but it’s your food and she’s stealing it. Unless you want to starve and unless you want her to continue walking all over you, you must handle your affairs and demand that she stops all this nonsense -- and do it quickly before it settles into any more of a dangerous pattern than it already is.

You describe your situation as a “slumber party gone wrong” -- but the difference between an elementary school slumber party and your living situation is that all of you are good and grown women, so act like it. Mom and Dad aren’t standing at the top of the stairs, listening in and waiting to swoop down and save you. This is your life.

Consider either calling a house meeting to address the issues as a group, or speak directly to each roommate one-on-one. Avoid sounding angry or accusatory, but be direct. Offer up a solution -- namely, everybody needs to start respecting each other’s property, boundaries and emotional space -- and if they don’t adhere, then get the hell out. Look for a new place.

Ultimately, what it boils down to is the fact that you cannot control their actions -- but you can control your own actions, so if your attempts to adjust the situation go ignored, exercise the control you have over yourself and get out of Dodge.

And keep in mind that it’s not just your physical space over which you have total control and dominion, but your mental and emotional headspace, too! Mindset matters. Quit tricking yourself into believing that you’re in an inescapable quandary. Quandary? Yes. Inescapable? No.

For all my readers who might be experiencing similar frustrations in your own lives, I say this: Know yourself well enough to know when you’ve reached your saturation point. And once you‘ve reached it, change the situation.

No one else can define this saturation level for you BUT you -- and no one else can address this situation in a way that works best for you BUT you. Change is hard, but being unhappy and feeling trapped is even harder.

DEAR KRISTIN: I work in a small company, and I’m the oldest employee by far. My colleagues are certainly pleasant and professional enough, but I’m beginning to feel like they don’t see me or listen to me with as much care and intention as they do their younger contemporaries.

This is happening at home, too: As I age, my children and grandchildren are beginning to treat me -- what’s the word? -- more “gingerly,” almost like a fragile porcelain figurine or a piece of crystal that could break (or at least crack) at the slightest impact.

The worst part? It’s getting worse! The older I get, the more gingerly I’m being treated -- either that, or ignored completely. At work and at home, when I say something relevant or interesting, everybody looks so SURPRISED, as if they’re thinking, “Wow! Did that great idea or astute observation just come out of HER mouth?”

I’m feeling increasingly demoralized, insulted and resentful. I might be getting on in years, but dammit, don’t throw me out to pasture just yet. I have wisdom to share. Ideas to express. Warnings to issue. Grandchildren to enlighten. Life to live. I know I can’t stop the aging process -- even if I could, I wouldn’t want to -- but this “Handle with Care” crap is getting on my last nerve. I refuse to go gently into that good night. Take my hand and lead me from this place of frustration and resentment. -- I AM NOT INVISIBLE!

DEAR “NOT INVISIBLE!”: First, keep that fire in your belly -- just redirect the flame so that it’s burning positive energy, not negative. Stoke those feelings of frustration in a way that works for you and keeps you focused on remaining seen and heard by others. Try to kick the anger and resentment to the curb, though -- none of us are getting any younger (including you), and we don’t have time to waste carrying around resentments.

You must refuse to become invisible. Do not become complacent or accepting of this treatment. Whether you’re in the office or with your family, speak up. Stand up. Use your words.

Communicate clearly -- and without always being asked or invited, but simply because you feel like you have something to say. And once you’ve said it, if you feel like you’re being ignored or disregarded, share it again, this time more forcefully. (How about something like, “Maybe you didn’t hear me the first time I said it, but ...”)

Remind your colleagues and family members, through your words and your actions, that you do exist. You do matter. You are relevant.

The moment you begin to hang back, to become quieter and more complacent, to lose that fire in your belly and that determination in your spirit, you’re blending into that opaque horizon of invisibility.

Also remember that the folks around you might not even realize what they’re doing. Society has for so long been conditioned to listen to the loudest, the leanest, the strongest and most vocal, that it’s almost instinctive behavior -- so it’s your responsibility to shift this mindset.

I fully realize that not every aged and/or aging person is capable of stepping up with such gusto and flinging the condescension we so often receive back into the faces of the flingers. This is why it’s important for those who can step up to step up ... for all of us.

Remind the people around you that the aged and aging have precious wisdom, experience and knowledge to share, and that this segment of the population brings value and vision to the rest of the world. This population also has tremendous buying power, so to hear us and see us also makes good business.

Getting older should not feel like a punishment, but like the privilege it is.

So stoke that fire, Beloved. Refuse to go gently into that good night. Keep giving ‘em hell. We’re behind you a thousand percent.