DEAR HARRIETTE: In my dreams the other night, I remembered a troubling conversation I had with someone who used to be a dear friend years ago. This conversation marked the end of that friendship for a lot of reasons. She was so cold and mean when we spoke. I felt like God was judging me through her words. While some of the things she said were true, it was extremely hard to hear.

When the conversation came to me in my dreams, some of her points took on new meaning. While I hated that talk, she pointed out a few things that I should work on. I intend to do so. Do you think I should reach out to her and say something? In the end, her caustic lecture did plant seeds that are sprouting now. I absolutely hated how she talked to me and how judgmental she was. It was awful. But some good is coming of it. Should I tell her? -- Beyond Meanness

DEAR BEYOND MEANNESS: Rather than reopening Pandora's box, extract the lessons that benefit you and move forward. It sounds like your last interaction was a stopping point. There is no need to revisit that or give her credit for anything. Live your life, forgive her in your heart and let go of any animosity you may have felt toward her.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I can tell that my boyfriend has good intentions, but his manner of speaking to my mother still leaves a lot to be desired. His way of talking is so abrupt, and he speaks to her with little respect for the fact that she’s an elder. I was raised to be more respectful and courteous than that, and it makes me uncomfortable every time he speaks with her. He talks to his own mother the same way, which baffles me even more. Why does he think this behavior is acceptable? How should I approach him about this? -- No Respect

DEAR NO RESPECT: There is something important that you must know and accept: You cannot expect your boyfriend to treat you or your mother any better or differently than he treats his mother. Typically, a man’s mother is the person he reveres the most. How he treats her is a clear indication of how he will likely treat you. If you truly like this man, you absolutely should speak to him about this. You may want to start by getting to know his story better. Ask him about his childhood and his relationship with his mother. Find out, if you can, what their dynamics are like. How did he grow up? What did he learn from her? How did their relationship evolve over time? Be gentle as you ask. If it feels like an inquisition, he will shut down. Tell him you genuinely want to know.

Gradually work to connect the dots. Learn about how he and his mother interact. Eventually, you will need to talk to him about how he speaks to your mother. You may start by describing how you grew up, what your family values are and what expectations exist for how children -- grown or otherwise -- communicate with their elders. Tell him then that it disturbs you when he speaks rudely to your mother. Teach him what your expectations are. Figure out together whether you can agree on shared values for communication. This will help you determine if you two can share a path moving forward. It is possible that he simply needs education.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions toaskharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: Instead of a New Year’s resolution, I have decided to repeat something I did last year -- sort of. Last year, I participated in a diet where you completely eliminate sugar for the entire month of January. It helps cleanse your system of all of the toxins that are associated with sugar. The side effect is that you lose weight and, I’m sure, other things. It worked last year, but it felt a bit austere.

This time around, I am eliminating alcohol. I realize that I drink a lot with my family, friends and co-workers, and it has become too much of a habit. I invited several of my friends to join me -- not eliminating all sugar, just alcohol. It’s amazing how touchy this subject is. Most of them thought I was crazy. Two agreed, but only one of them is being serious with me. It is making me question if I have the right friends for me. When the month is over, I don’t know if I want to go back to drinking all the time, but I realize that my friends are drinkers. Do I have to let them go? -- Bad Company

DEAR BAD COMPANY: In Alcoholics Anonymous, they talk about being wary of “people, places and things” that may trigger alcoholic behavior. During this month of sobriety, you may want to consider attending some AA meetings and learning more about the disease of alcoholism so that you can assess whether you see yourself in what you learn. Use this time to explore and discover as much as you can about your thoughts, feelings and behaviors.

Rather than focusing on those friends who did not choose to get sober with you right now, look at yourself to see how you want to live and what you need to be healthy. It could be that you need to move away from people or situations that trigger certain behaviors in you. It could be that you need to continue on the journey of sobriety beyond 30 days for your own well-being. It could be that you need to set limits on what you do and with whom in the future to protect yourself, even if you decide to rekindle certain relationships. The point is: This is about you and your choices. Stop pointing your finger at them. Point it at yourself and make decisions based on what you need.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I can't believe that my friend cheated on his partner. It's so dishonorable and shows a complete lack of loyalty. How can I trust someone who has no regard for the promises they make? This really casts doubt over our friendship, as it's hard to rely on someone when they can break a promise so easily. I feel disappointed in my friend and want to give him another chance, but it's hard not to question his sincerity from now on. He needs to learn from this mistake and start showing more respect for his commitments. Am I wrong to feel that if my friend will betray his partner, he will betray anyone (including me)? -- Doubting My Friend

DEAR DOUBTING MY FRIEND: It is natural to feel that one betrayal can lead to another. Your friend’s deception can rightfully be enough for you to sever ties with him, but you should talk to him first. Tell him how strongly you feel about the violation of trust. Ask him what he is going to do about it. You may be able to forgive him if his next steps are honorable. If not, it is good for him to learn that his betrayal of his lover cost him your friendship. Consequences are real.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My husband got stupid drunk on New Year’s Eve, and his behavior was horrific. We were hanging out with close friends, thank God, but he truly showed his behind. I am completely embarrassed. He was cursing his head off and interrupting people when they talked. At one point, he was trying to grope my friend. It was just out of control. When I spoke to him about it the next day, he shrugged it off. He didn’t remember -- which is not a surprise, given how drunk he was -- so to him, it didn’t happen. This is not the first time my husband has essentially blacked out and acted aggressive and rude. I need this to stop. What can I do? -- Out of Control

DEAR OUT OF CONTROL: Bring it up again when your husband is sober. Have several examples of his drunken behavior to mention to him. Tell him that this is unacceptable and must stop. Tell him you believe he needs help because when he drinks, his behavior is out of control, rude, aggressive and potentially dangerous. Ask him to go to counseling, attend an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting or talk to someone else to address this.

It is likely that he will shrug it off, in which case you may want to record his behavior the next time he acts out. You can carefully capture his antics on your cellphone and show him later as evidence of your concerns.

Ultimately, you will need to decide if you can live with an out-of-control alcoholic who is unwilling to get help. If he refuses to change his behavior, what do you need to do to protect yourself?

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a work friend who moved away for another job a couple of years ago. I have tried to stay in touch with her, but she has never responded. It is weird to me because I thought we were close -- not like best friends, but still close. We have known each other for a long time, and I thought we always had positive feelings for each other. Recently, I got her new work email address and sent her a holiday note. It was very light and simple. I thought that might trigger at least a hello back. Nothing. I can’t think of anything I may have said or done that could have offended her, but if I inadvertently did upset her, I would want to fix that. What else can I do? -- Bewildered

DEAR BEWILDERED: Consider sending one more note to your friend expressing your concerns. Start by saying that you trust that things are going well with her new life in her new city. Then tell her that you miss her and have been attempting to connect with her ever since she left. Ask her if you have done anything to offend her. If you have, apologize, but make it clear that you really are lost as to what occurred to create a chasm in your friendship. Tell her you would appreciate her getting back to you to set your mind at ease. See what happens next. The ball will then be in her court.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)