DEAR HARRIETTE: My girlfriend and I ended up in the middle of a chaotic fight at a bar the other night. When things started to get too rowdy, I asked her if we could leave, but she insisted that we stay and continue on with our evening as if nothing was wrong. One thing led to another, and she ended up in a full-blown physical altercation with another girl. Not only did my girlfriend throw the first punch, but she instigated by hurling insults at a woman who wasn’t even speaking to her in the first place.

The next day, she apologized to me for being unruly and blamed it all on her drunkenness. Although she told me it would never happen again, I can’t look past the trashy, loud, messy side of her that I saw that night at the bar. Could that have been her true character, or should I look past this incident and move on? -- Bar Fight

DEAR BAR FIGHT: Take this incident seriously. When both of you are sober, revisit it. Remind your girlfriend of what happened. Go into detail describing how she behaved, what she said, how she said it and how you feel about it. She will not likely want to be part of this conversation, but you should press her. Tell her how upset you were (and still are) at her behavior. Just because she was drunk does not excuse her, and it makes you look at her in a different light.

Talk about sobriety. Could your girlfriend possibly have a drinking problem? Look carefully at her behavior and yours. What kind of support would best help you two get through this? If talking to a counselor might help, make that recommendation. You don’t necessarily have to end your relationship now. You should pay close attention to it to see what it needs to be healthier.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have always been an overachiever. I take pride in knowing that whatever I set my mind to, I can accomplish about 99.9% of the time. When I can accomplish it, I always overdeliver. When I got to college, I realized that I was overachieving to fill a sense of emptiness inside. I’m well into adulthood now, and this feeling has not faded. I find myself setting nearly impossible goals for myself, only to accomplish them and feel empty once again. I am ready to dig deeper within myself and find a new purpose. How do I find a purpose that is bigger than achievements in my career, my finances or anything superficial? -- New Purpose

DEAR NEW PURPOSE: I love the practice of meditation because it helps us still the mind and listen to the voice inside. I highly recommend that you quiet yourself and look for your own inner guidance. What do you want for your life next? What goals do you have? What do you want for yourself? Is it a relationship? Overall peace of mind? The ability to relax? Is there a hobby that might interest you?

Figure out what is missing from your life and focus some of your attention on that. You can do so with gusto -- think about how you approach academic and work goals. You can apply similar enthusiasm to a new hobby. Ultimately, though, the goal is to relax and just enjoy the moment. That, in and of itself, is a huge achievement.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I get along well with a woman who has hurt a lot of my friends in the past. Although it happened decades ago, my friends made a common enemy out of her and haven’t let it go since. I believe that it’s time for them to move on. I have kept my friendship with this woman a secret to spare my friends' feelings, but the longer I hide it, the worse it will be when they find out. How do I tell my other friends that I am now friendly with the woman they all despise? -- New Friend

DEAR NEW FRIEND: Have you talked to your new friend about her past? Why not start there? Tell her that you care about her and you find yourself in a bind because of her history with your other close friends. Ask her to tell you her version of what happened between them years ago. Find out what she recalls and how she thinks about the situation today. Be prepared to hear that she doesn’t recall the details. Sometimes people hold grudges about real incidents that occurred in the past, but the perpetrators are oblivious. That doesn’t mean the events didn’t occur, only that the memories are more significant for some than for others. Get a sense from her of who she thinks she was back then and how she believes she has changed.

Next, talk to your friends. Admit that you have become friendly with this woman. Note that, as an adult, she has characteristics that you like. Point out how she behaves now and what you like about her. Apologize for not telling them sooner and point out that you didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. You do not need to try to get everyone to become friends as adults. This woman may end up being your friend only, and that’s fine, but it will be good for the secrecy to end.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I grew up poor. I knew even as a child that I would never want to raise my children in a poor household. I’m now an adult with three children of my own, and I’m beyond thankful that I’m able to give my kids everything that I couldn’t have. The problem is that because I have the means, I have no idea when to say no. My children get whatever they want, and it’s making them spoiled and bratty. How do I learn when to say no to my children? -- Spoiled Kids

DEAR SPOILED KIDS: Take a step back and think about what you valued most as a child when you were growing up. Given that you had limited means, there was probably one special toy or item that you treasured. Start talking to your children about what they have and how to value their possessions and their experiences. Give them chores to complete in order to receive further rewards. Set boundaries around what they can have and when. They won’t like this at first, but it may help them appreciate what you give them.

Requiring your children to use an allowance to buy their own luxuries may help them to learn the value of money and see how quickly it disappears if they aren't careful with it.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions toaskharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My contract wasn’t renewed at my job, and I have no backup plan. I’m devastated. This was my dream job. I know that there was plenty of room for improvement on my end, but they really made it seem that I would have at least another six months to learn and grow within the company. Severance pay was not in my contract, so I have no clue what to do until I find another job. I’m discouraged about even looking for a new job right now. How do I figure out what’s next for me? -- Nonrenewal

DEAR NONRENEWAL: First, do an honest assessment of your job performance at your old job and the warning signs along the way to your dismissal. You need to figure out why this was a surprise to you so that you can avoid it in the future. What were you not doing well enough? How can you improve in those areas in the future?

Next, think about what your top skills are and what types of jobs are the best match for you. Tweak your resume with these jobs in mind and start applying again. Use LinkedIn to post your status and talk about yourself a bit. Go to job search websites and look for opportunities that reflect your interests and aptitude. You may have to explain what happened at this most recent job. Think about a strategic answer that is honest about your vulnerabilities but keeps you looking appealing to a future employer.

DEAR HARRIETTE: An employee of mine is intelligent and well-spoken and does her job well. I have no intention of letting her go. My only issue with her is her appearance. She doesn’t present herself well. She will show up to meetings looking like she just rolled out of bed, and this is not a good look on me or my business. How do I tell her that I need her to come to work looking professional and well-kept without hurting her feelings? I could see this easily coming across as rude, and that is the last thing that I want. -- Look Presentable

DEAR LOOK PRESENTABLE: Sit your employee down and praise her for all that she is doing well. Be specific so she knows what you value. Then tell her that there is one area where she needs improvement: her physical presentation. Talk to her about the concept of professional dress and the importance of it at the office. Be careful to let her know that you are not trying to change her. Instead, you want her to step up and craft a professional persona for the workplace that will showcase her skills and abilities in a way that harmonizes with a business setting.

You may want to create or amend an employee handbook and have a section on professional presentation. People make assumptions that there is a shared understanding of what “professional” means. Clearly, that is not always true. Tell your employee that your intention is to empower her to be even more successful at your company and in her career. Your professional development suggestions will help her reach that goal.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)