life

There Can Be Only One 'Grandma'

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | June 21st, 2022 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My son and I were talking on the phone about my upcoming visit to their house. My 4-year-old granddaughter was chattering in the background. (She's very, very verbal.) My son asked if she wanted to "say hello to Babs."

I distinctly heard her reply, "Who's Babs?" My son said, "She's my mommy and she's your grandmother."

To my surprise, I heard her say, "She's not my grandma. Bobbie is my grandma" (referring to our daughter-in-law's mother).

My son just let this stand, uncorrected. If one's son lets this sort of statement stand, is there a way for a grandparent to respond within the bounds of etiquette? Obviously, the so-called maternal grandmother advantage is at work here. Or perhaps even firmly entrenched. But how to handle this is a real puzzle.

GENTLE READER: Have you considered asking to be called "Grandma"? That should fix it in your granddaughter's mind, and incidentally give you an edge over Bobbie. Not that Miss Manners wants to encourage competition.

She gathers that for whatever reason, you have not been able to spend enough time with your granddaughter for her to remember you. But as you will soon be visiting, you should be able to remedy that.

And someone needs to explain family relationships and nomenclature to the child. Are you able to do that without seeming insulted, and without making comparisons to her relationship with the other grandmother? Perhaps by telling charming stories of your son's childhood?

If not, it would be better to ask one of her parents to explain -- while you are sitting by, looking proud to be her grandmother.

life

Miss Manners for June 21, 2022

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | June 21st, 2022 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR MISS MANNERS: If a couple goes to a fancy engagement party at a large venue, and one of them is the guest (plus-one) of the other, should the guest bring their own gift?

In this situation, I'm the mom of the groom. I've been dating a guy for over two years, and he accompanied me to my son and future daughter-in-law's posh engagement party. I gave them my own card with a substantial monetary gift. I did not sign my date’s name, assuming he would bring his own card and gift. I haven't said anything because I'm not sure what the protocol is.

Help! We have more large family events coming up.

GENTLE READER: Is he well-acquainted with this couple? Would they have invited him if he were not dating you?

Miss Manners gathers not. He seems to be attending only because he is part of a couple with the person who is invited. And couples generally give joint presents.

But that does not entitle you to send him a bill for half of that substantial monetary gift. You are the mother of the bridegroom, and he is an add-on.

So you neither had to put his name on the card, nor should you dun him for a contribution of his own, unless he is so moved.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

life

Protecting Personal Details of an Honorable Discharge

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | June 20th, 2022 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Our daughter proudly enlisted in the military three years ago, at age 19. She achieved her goal of joining an elite corps, and was so happy about it. We were (and are) proud of the composed, confident young woman she had become.

About six months after her graduation, however, she suffered a sexual assault from another military member. The assault led to severe trauma, including hospitalization for suicidal ideation. As a result, she was honorably discharged after a little less than two years of service. There is a case pending against the other service member.

How should we answer those who persist in asking why she finished so early? We absolutely will not discuss the circumstances with anyone, as they are so personal and traumatic, and we feel her privacy is sacred. But there are people who pointedly ask why the usual service time was not completed. If we said it was deeply personal, that would only feed their curiosity.

We just say “She finished her service” and repeat it as necessary. But it is so agonizing to be grilled by people whose curiosity is insatiable.

Please, can you give us the words to effectively answer these intrusive inquisitors? They have no idea how much additional pain they are inflicting on top of a very difficult situation.

I imagine having a polite, strong response would be useful in any private circumstance that concerns only those involved and shuts down the nosy people once and for all.

GENTLE READER: "It's called an honorable discharge. Have you served in the military?"

It is part two of this statement that will throw many of your inquisitors on the defensive, so Miss Manners advises you not to pause between sentences.

Even if the answer is yes, it still works to deflect the questions -- by your turning the conversation around and asking when and where that person served. Even insatiably nosy people would rather talk about themselves.

life

Miss Manners for June 20, 2022

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | June 20th, 2022 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I worked in a swanky club when I was in college and folded thousands of napkins for fine dining. It was possibly my favorite part of the job. Very meditative.

I've noticed that creative napkin folding seems to be a trend of late, and there are numerous variations. Are there napkin rules, depending on, say, how formal a meal is? Is any fold acceptable, as long as it's neat and pretty?

GENTLE READER: Try as she will, Miss Manners cannot think of an offensive way to fold a napkin. So she supposes, yes: Unloose your creativity.

Wait -- she did think of one. Many years ago, it was the custom to put a dinner roll into the folds of the napkin, which led to unsuspecting diners seeing their rolls leap onto the floor. Not a nice trick.

life

Miss Manners for June 20, 2022

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | June 20th, 2022 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When sending a response for a wedding, do I include my toddler in the number?

GENTLE READER: Only if your toddler was expressly invited, but has not had the courtesy to respond.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

life

Pot, Meet Your Neighbor, Kettle

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | June 18th, 2022 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I always invite the same friends and neighbors to my annual barbecue, and they always attend. One neighbor, who is very outspoken, asked if he and his wife could buy pizza and bring it to my gathering.

I replied, "If you don't like what I have, eat at home before you come." I feel they should have declined instead.

This same neighbor has made comments about my food before, yet everyone else has praised it and thanked me. Was I rude in responding as I did, since I felt he was insulting me? I haven't had a response since.

GENTLE READER: It is only your blunt outspokenness, not your reaction, with which Miss Manners finds fault. (She seems to recall that you did not much like that quality coming from your neighbor.) Allow her to translate what you said into something more polite.

"I am sorry that you do not find any of my food edible, but I am afraid that that is what I am serving. If it does not suit you, perhaps you will be able to find a better alternative before you come." A change in tone and the addition of a few niceties go a long way toward dulling that outspoken edge.

life

Miss Manners for June 18, 2022

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | June 18th, 2022 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have spoken with my estranged brother's children perhaps three times in their lives at family events. Now, one has sent me a graduation announcement (a printed photo card, no personal note of any kind) -- the first communication I have ever received. The envelope was addressed to "Miss Jane Doe and Tony," although the full name of my husband of 20+ years is well known to the family.

The other nephew sent a wedding announcement in a similar format, which invited me to pray for the couple on their wedding day. (The event was not canceled due to COVID, as the family dismisses such precautions; everyone else was invited to attend.)

If either had actually sent something that seemed they wanted to connect, I honestly would have showered them with gifts. But in these cases, I did not reply. Bad manners on my part?

GENTLE READER: Milestone announcements need only be met with congratulations, Miss Manners assures you. Presents -- and prayers -- are purely optional.

life

Miss Manners for June 18, 2022

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | June 18th, 2022 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When my sister and I go out to dinner, lunch or shopping, she continually includes the waitstaff or salespeople in our outing. She visits with them extensively, becoming "new best friends" almost instantly.

I want to have a nice outing with her, as planned. She has gone so far as to invite a waiter to sit at our table and order some food. (How this would have worked, I do not know.)

I do not want to visit with strangers at any time, and certainly not at the expense of our visit. I have asked her to stop this behavior, without luck. What to do?

GENTLE READER: "Before we go in, are there any new friends who will be likely to join us? I hope not. I did so look forward to spending time just with you." Miss Manners imagines the staff will be relieved.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

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